hmm. eventful indeed.

am on enforced cold turkey owing to internet being down for some reason. we can recieve, but sending is another matter. as my brother so succintly put it, the computer is damn boring without the internet.

he didnt have to go on about how he couldnt play online games though. we arent supposed to :|

anyway. was trying to fix the damned thing, and in the end mom decided to call the support line. and we took it out to the tv outlet to work it. well, my mom called me over to help, so i ambled over and tried to fix up the cable from the scv cable point to the stupid "surfboard" modem. we couldnt get a signal. no recieving either. AFTER the whole hoo-ha, my mom finally realised that the blasted thing was not even connected to the cable point.

turns out i had taken the cable connecting the scv thing to the tv, and not the one connecting the scv thing to the cable point.

oops.

amaths? died. apparently emaths is harder. whoo. super dead.

lit? hah. went on the wrong track for a while, and ended up rushing the paper. finished the last question in half-an-hour. deaded.

chinese? crazy. lessee now. my tien xie han zi went wonky (so much for 3 hour tuition the day before). screwed up everything else. ah well.

shall go home and swear at lenin.

shit im dead

have not memorised poems.

what am i doing here?

jeez.

screwed up my ss paper. BLOODY DECON QUESTION!!!

who the hell knows about the gulf war??! about all we know is, as claudia so nicely put it, that the us bombed iraq 'cause saddam was bad.

what the hell.

screw THAT.

i shall now study for amaths, which i slept through the remedial today. wahey.

on the plus side, the ulcer's healing. visibly. i can stand in front of the mirror and watch it close up.
it dont hurt no more. duh.
yeahyeah oxymoron.
you know what? im so dead i dont care about no moronic ox.

argh. bad jokes show how far gone am i.

i exist solely for your entertainment.

so yeah. sue me.

hiding my face in a blanket of pixels
trying to shut out the sounds
hammering their sordid way into my ear,
with loaded words
and exploding silences.

yeah, fights over, move on.

my head aches
trying to maintain the barriers
but they come crumbling down anyway,
result of too much battering
by spiked words.

its a war zone in here.

i cant sleep at night.

escapism into electronics,
drawing the web closely
a second skin
to hide in,
but a fragile one indeed.

my back - a wall to the world
the small world i return to everyday,
opened with a skeleton key
(the skeletons are in the closet,
second turning down the hall)
to a flesh-defined whirl
of colours.

if you could see emotions,
then everything here would be tinted with hate-red
blue-suffering
black-despair
green-pain.

its cracking up,
and there's absolutely nothing i can do
about it.

welcome to my crazy world.
please step in,
mind the doormat,
and your head,
and your sanity.

it wont be yours for long.

break up the riot.

i come back
shes crying.
he's probably somewhere else.
i dont blame him.

the world = blows against
my mainframe
beware the power shortage

why do you think i dont want
to be here?

so here i am,
back in my bed of bytes,
and this is how you see me
the person in the computer
(the man in the moon was outdated
he took an early retirement)
you wont see the real me,
you wont want to

and i wont let you.



btw, im wolf, on wcooler. so yeah. copyright still applies. steal this and ill kill you

yegods. im dead.

left my fscking notes in class. and the textbook.
yep its all cracking up.
and ooh. bio teacher to little bro who is currently needing help on anaerobic respiration. ANAEROBIC, not INAEROBIC.
littlest bro getting cheekier. shout at mom? daring.
man im dead. and im good at it.
really tired.
mood of the moment=stressed
song of the moment=Brahms- a German Requiem. apt, no?
i know, im gonna look back on this tomorrow and think how terribly pathetic i am but yeah, look at yesterdays. now THAT sucked. thats it. im gonna be a cynic and frozen one at that. zygote.

what the HELL are smes?

why does ss have to be so complicated?

why the hell am i doing it?

mood of the moment: frustrated
song of the moment: Smetana - The Moldeau

have just finished mncs.

have just realised how much deep shit i am in.

wahey.

hmm. lessee now. not feel like studying ss. my current state of mind is as follows:
oh god i hate myself. why cant i be a good sister to them? why the hell do i have to blow my top at them? i tried cutting myself with the scissors. didnt work. i cant force myself to do it, dont have the guts. so i just opened the wound in my leg again. suicide wont solve anything, but i dont see whats wrong with maiming. i just let it trace round my face. thing is i cant maim, and i just cant bring myself to do it. i fuckinghatemyself.ok.ivetriedtogetmyselfoutofthisdepressionbuticant and it sucks, really. i know that its not helping and i cant stop it. center of the universe, thats me. i even screamed at her, and she's older, she helps me a lot, and only my brothers do that. im not the one who can afford to lose control. go cold, stuff them down, the feelings have to be locked up. its not exam stress, that i know. i dunno. i just spent 15 minutes crying myself dry then i stopped slowly. why cant i be a better sister? why do i have to lose control? second time already.oh god. notagain. i need to learn how to control myself. help me, please. bleeding is good,stops the pain. going cold. am i just doing this for the attention? not this time. isuck.ifuckingsuck. i know theres people out there who believe in me, but right now i just dont believe in myself. im sorry, ive let you down, butyouwontseemelikethis.iwontletyou.
hah.thats it.

current mood: jaded
current song: jars of clay - worlds apart

hmm. have just found out that another of my friends has 7 A1s and 1 A2. BEFORE moderation. jeez. not that it made a difference to him. crikey.

hah. music exam. realised i HADNT studied enough of indonesian balinese gamelan music and so didnt know what to put for the instruments. bah. at least the rest wasnt so bad. by the good grace of someone up there, i managed to realise that it was a suona that was blasting my eardrum into pieces, and thanks to a concert i had been to about 4-8 months ago. i knew generally what it looked like. so i crapped something about double reeds and left it at that. the rest...well the pieces were really tricky. and the air conditioner behind me kept acting up.

BAH.

so i came home and crashed on the couch from 11-12.45pm. after stoning at bad tv shows. sure, richie rich was something i liked when i was young, but now it just seems plain fake, like those shows where the kid goes "look , we've found the !" in a humongously fake accent like an adult trying to act like a kid, which is what it is. fell asleep after checking out mtv. ARGH. i need a LIFE. apparently they're very useful :P

oh. and duku reacts violently with ulcers, resulting in the production of pain and expletives. the pain can be neutralised with lemon water, which leaves a residue[al] "clean" taste. the expletives, however, cannot be neutralised.

i love chem. bring on the chemical equations! bring on the sulphuric acid!

my blasted lip is swollen from the ulcer. it has been for the past 2 days. apparently my immunity system is down so the herpes virus causes mouth ulcers.

bloody hell.

ok fine. so i didnt spend the whole day blogging and stuff. but we did break 100k for text twist on zone.com :) the bad thing is that the comp didnt register it. AAAAAAARGGGH. dammit. you cant register scores on the school lan. blasted routers.

i said school was optional.

man, i wasnt kidding.

half the class did not come, and i MEAN half. the irony that melly came today is just hilarious. :Þ. anyway, still had maths, ms ng let us goof off her lesson (yay!) but mrs pang interrupted us during our 100k text twist roll. :(. oh well.

we were planning to do revision. we never got down to it, ha ha. but, me and jinin managed to play the hungarian rhapsody PROPERLY-ish, actually getting past the first two pages without every restarting with a "one-two". maked improvement. i bet auntie mary will tone down her screaming a decibel or two, three at the most.

ahahahahaha. my music listening exam is tomorrow. i can feel the euphoria coming on now. COME ON MAN! I JUST *LURVE* LISTENING TESTS! the fact that i fail them beyond recognising is totally a moot point.

on a lighter note, my braces can finally come off after 2.5 years, and apparently the whole thing is supposed to take 3 years. so, like, come on the 16th! exams will be over and ill get my braces off. the 18th can wait. im getting a retainer. hahahhahahhahah.

now go away. ive gotta listen to cds and figure out which instrument is which, how gagaku sounds like, and memorise gamelan instruments.

how am i gonna keep myself off the net? or off the comp for that matter

hah. sarah was right. i cant stay off the net. not for long. im just popping on to blog, and send stuff to ms ng.

hehehehehheh. school tomorrow will be optional. i shall be playing guitar and blogging throughout. and playing the hungarian rhapsody. and studying occasionally. whee!!!

softball today was fun. got my "super bat" again, ie hit the ball way far out. hooray me. it only happens on the second time, and thats it. and i cant catch for nuts. jinin did a rather spectacular slide in front of amanda's feet. amanda wasnt too happy :|.

ooh. i have hit my nerve/tendon on the back of my hand AGAIN. not too hard this time, but DAMMIT, it HURTS!!!!

thats all. now to do past year papers, and past past year papers, and past times 10 to the power of 10 papers....

and present mcqs and papers. oh, the joy.

another muse poem:


I am tired
of your fickle whims.
You come up and tap me from behind
then saunter off,
somehow always managing to stay in front of
me
struggling to follow your androgynous figure.

I'd cage you, but i know that you will not consent
(who would?),
and you are too fast and fickle for me to catch you.

I know you're too proud to admit,
but you know as well:
constantly perched on my shoulder and whispering a strange language into my ear.
They translate, but as pictures in my mind,
scenes and memories.
You understand, as i do, that it torments me,
running through scenes of glory and carnage,
touching and tragic
poignant and malevolent,
magnificent in some strange, twisted yet sublime way,
and hidden behind mist, closed doors, and cracked glass.

You know i'm desperate,
for some way for people to see this,
yet realising
i have only words
with which to paint the picture for them.

Oh, you delight in torturing me indeed.

I must be a masochist.
If i were to treat you like a bird, and let you fly away,
would you come back? would you bother?
i doubt it.
that's why i tolerate you,
amd feed off you.

You are angel and devil juxtaposed,
both at the same time, yet neither.
A beauty so wild, it would take the world to contain you,
and more.
I want to cage you, to keep you to myself,
a widows cruse of dreams.

But even if i did, i sense that you would wither and fade away,
your flame starved of oxygen,
saturated and tormented
atrophied
to nothing,
and one day, i'd find the only thing left,
a shadow of elf-glamour
lingering
in the glade,
while mocking laughter echoes in the ear.

did i mean that? i dont think so.

hah. cold, nearly frozen watermelon is good.

have FINALLY got the comments thing up.

the blasted chair disintegrated when i was carrying it above my head to the other room. the cushion fell on me. we're talking cushion with a HARD wood covering. it, of course, landed butter side down = the hard bit landed on my head.

crap. must study! you people got me into this mess!!

lemon water is good. im now going on standby.

Joel. Is. An. IDIOT.

how the HELL can you get 7 for your blasted prelims. yeah, you can but......

AARGH. bloody shit. congrats, joel.

and im not even prepared for exams. wahey.

Studying. nuff said.

and i didnt fall asleep during tuition. wonderful.

shit. i need sleep.

winamp is STILL screwing up, and i dont know HOW to fix it.

music is NOT going well.

dont ask about lit.

or chinese.