so it's wet, raining, and generally bad for running. gah.

but on the bright side, meeting up with people is fun.

and OOF. i have eaten SO MUCH getting rid of the 5pounds is not going to be happening.

wargh! so yes, it's been late. in any case, flight over from logan was diverted to o'hare, and then to narita, and i had the luck to be surrounded with wailing kids the WHOLE WAY. wonderfulness. but it was ok, i guess. back in singapore now, it HASN'T STOPPED RAINING which kinda sucks since i actually have to run now. christmas was goood. um. will post more on this subject later mm. including doodles.

so i just spent $4 on random stupid foodstuffs because i ran out of quarters and i needed a dryer. who'da thunk it. bloody hell.

and syriana is CONFUSING AS HELL. i was SO lost it was not even funny.

YES. THIS IS MY ROOM.

on a side note, leaving tmr. funfun. oh god, admin stuff is annoying.

so it's been a pretty amazing post-exam period. since monday i've been chillin' and it's been great. spanish was not so bad (despite amazing one hour of last minute studying in eaton computer lab) which was probably due to

dinner at bertucci's on monday for our appreciate allison dinner, followed by hanging out at s.'s and subsequently b.'s house. which was hilarious and absolutely enlightening ("so. let's go around the circle, and tell everyone your high point and low point of the past week. okay, okay, week and a half to include semiformal. and who you have made out with." b's place is AWESOME. when i grow up graduate (i'm supposed to be Of Age now heh. yeeaaaahh right.) i want pad like that.

eggs for breakfast too :) cheese omlette mmmmmm.

um tuesday. did absolutely nothing, except ooh! lug a huge box 0.8miles (1.28km) to the ups store >.< i figured, it's not so bad a walk, i can run back, it's all good. right? WRONG. it's bloody cold, and to top it off i get distracted by a comics store next door. there goes half an hour. head back to the track, and proceed to run 400s in the cold. but there were geese on the lawn, so it was ok.

and then i spent the rest of the night grabbing music, running around campus, watching the antics of men in bathrobes in the library and cuddling a really cute dog. oh, and imbibing alcohol, but that goes without saying. hur. get to bed - 4am. wake up - 9.30am for jazz piano lesson (played billie's bounce! so fun!). hope i can take jazz next semester - that would be awesome. have to do a lot of work for it over break though. NO WORRIES.

andthenandthenandthen. we had. a run. where we just went to find christmas lights. it was GREAT. we're all probably going to hell for it, but who cares :) the photos were awesome.

music of the moment - glenn miller - in the mood
mood of the moment - gloriously tired

how apt:

'Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.'
     - Anonymous

i [heart] my quoteboard.

"…and their voices flew from Europe to Asia, and from Asia to Europe, drowning the stubborn roar of time that lagged too far behind, and of space that was too cumbersome…" - valentine kataev, time, forward!

i am NOT freaking out.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


so yes, that was an anna shih.

just ran 8 miles. at a 10 minute mile pace. SO SLOW.

but hot chocolate keeps me warm mmmmmmm. *snuggles*

WAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

HUNGRRRYYYYY,

grah.



mmmmm reeses' pieces *smirk*

"plan b, cat, is to suck it up and stick to plan a."

BOOYAH!!

poikilotherm!!!!!

ogods do you ever just sit there and absolutely mind your own business and suddenly recall a segment of memory from a previous night that was so spectacularly out-of-the-ordinary yet it somehow totally slipped your mind?

yeah.

OMG NQR COLD RAN 5 ROUNDS HAVE PHILOSOPHY FINAL PAPER TOMORROW DIEDIEDIE OMG NAKED RULED AT BEIRUT WTF PWNT.

and i'm really, really full. at least half a pizza, at least. love peppermint bark. and chocolatecoveredcoffeebeans

so yes, i may not watch scrubs, but i do remember charlie brown and i do like this very much. the jazzy accompaniment helps much.

so perhaps some of you have heard the stuff about tufts and the racist carol done by the primary source. their funding'll probably be cut, i think. i guess coming from singapore, i was rather surprised that they weren't taken to task earlier - hell, most people i talked with were surprised that since they've been doing shit like this (i.e. publishing racist comment and articles) earlier they have yet to be censured for it. but then, hey, free speech right? but of course, there is no responsibility for your speech. how can you take your words back from the air. there is the complication of their typical exaggeration, and their tendency to be blatant and aim not to be taken too seriously, but still. uncalled for.

what saddens me most, probably, is that it had to go through a few editors to get published. and apparently, it was ok. i mean, i don't doubt that there were people who argued against it, but the fact that the call was made to let it go through...*shrug*

on a side note, got my essays and stuff back. bloody hell. incentive to study. and nqr tonight. funfun. as long as it doesn't turn up on youtube.

music of the moment - dave brubeck - away in a manger
mood of the moment - resigned

priceless.

on another note: saw guster last night. was great, i love their music live now :) and had cpk, and cheesecake factory, and after that dance party. only bad bit - it was bitterly cold. very much so. think -15ºC. brrr. toes HURT.

semiformal now bye.

IT'S REALLY SNOWING NOW. 7.35~~! :D:D:D:D:D

it's 6.36am and it's SNOWING.

:D:D:D

so donut run was a lot of fun, and i would have run it if i hadn't run ten miles this morning. TEN FUCKING MILES. my body is Pain. and i fell, and skinned knee. lots of blood w00t. i heard hisses of intaken breath when i passed people. but YES. i ran 16km. i am SO PROUD THAT I DID IT. not in a pompous way, but in a good way. just really happy i survived.

and n. came over because of mit tournament and teammates not staying at mit. so went into boston, had penang with n. and m. who is in BU :) funfunfun.

ohgod my calves.




ohgod, work.
say it to my face why don't you. be better than me, who could never articulate how awkward i felt that i never got to know you, that i screwed up. all those fucking mixed signals, saying one thing and meaning another. saying you were open to freedom, yet chaining me subtly with words. no involvement my foot. geez. and surprisingly enough i'm not mad, i'm not even furious, i'm not even particularly moved. yes, there was guilt, but not from your ceaseless guilt-tripping. there was guilt that i let it get that far in the first place. you said you knew what it was like, but evidently it didn't matter fuck to what you wanted. so no, i'm not going to be your guilt font, i have learned the hard way that there are enough crosses to bear without bearing those forced upon you. i refuse to bear yours, when you are capable of bringing yourself up. i will not be your crutch [and may i be guilty of melodramatising, bear in mind your furious departure]. i'm just tired of theatrics, i refuse to apportion blame, if you want to blame me go ahead. i refuse to dignify your accusations and misrepresentations with any other reply than this. find it if you will. fuck your melodrama. i do not want this sort of shit.
gah.

moo. mood. of the moment - omgworkdie.
music of the moment - j geils band - centerfold. or all the jazz i was playing :) found someone to jam with OMG YES!

OMGWTFAWESOMEBBQmathbesofun

ny was AWESOMENESS. it was SO GOOD. i got there around 11am from chappaqua and i got to chappaqua because anna's awesome mom gave me a lift :) so i went and got lost in NY.

basically i rambled like a worm in a really amazing apple. saw all the shops, like lord and taylors and macy's' shop windows, and walked through those stores, got my boots (aerosoles!) and i WENT TO THE LIBRARY. IT IS THE BEST. IT IS SO COOL. but the best bit was when i went to the map room, and took out a REALLY OLD MAP of asia and looked at it for half an hour. it was amazing. that map was OLD, i don't know just how old, but it was amazing.

then t. came down, and we went walking. tried to get into chicago (cheap tickets) but they were out, so we kept on walking to the rockefeller center. we ate at some upscale deli thing (pom juice and something else can cost you $8!) and then we went to the top of the rock. which was gorgeous. it was a nice night, not too windy, and you could see a lot.

though i could just see snogging couples everywhere. it had nooks and crannies.

after that we went to find food, since we skipped out on our reservation with matasuri. we headed down to soho because i had never been there, and now i need to go there more. soho looks really interesting :P and we were outside balthazar, and decided just on the spur of the moment to see if we could get in.

we did. balthazar. it's NEVER EMPTY. and we got in. you have no idea how orgasmic the food was. it was GOOD. so expensive, but SO GOOD. then after that we walked to t's friend's club, can't remember what it's called (sublimation? starts with an i). it was a slow night, but the songs would have gotten anyone at mos or zouk dancing.

after all that was the looong train ride to connecticut. t has a really really nice house. cute kid brother, awesome sister, dad has a wicked sense of humour. brunch with his mom was interesting…and the ride back was LONG. stupid thanksgiving sunday jams. had dinner on the road, slept most of the way.

ok getting bored of blogging this shit. suffice it to say, life was good :)

billy costigan is HOT. omg love.

i mean, seriously. tortured vulnerability is a soft spot of mine. even though he's not be irish. mmm. costiganlove.

TO NY TO DA Y!

so it turns out that tag-board.com has changed its url to tag-board.BIZ and didn't inform me somehow, giving me much grief and headaches as i am NOT A STAFF MEMBER FROM INDONESIA SO THERE DAMMIT.

anyways. hello. apart from the fact i'm now a member of a gabillion new tagboardythingies, i'm good. cool. calm. and of course the massive thanksgiving dinner i just had is contributing to my inertia. well, it wasn't massive, but it -was- good. and now i'm kinda full. have muffins for brekky. i really really [heart] anna and her family :D they are soooo nice and funny.

so yeah. now. back to roadtrip, part TWO.

well we get there, walk around, then after seeing this bright orange guy run across with an awesome floppy velvet top hat, we decide it's time to paint ourselves. brown and blue, w00t. even though it's kinda cold out (maybe 40ºF? cold, at least) everyone's running around without a shirt and in shorts. because it's muddy. so there was a lot of running around. we probably did the equivalent of a day and a half of a hard workout because running through mud and trying not to slip is terrible. you could wrench your groin muscles. in any case, before the races we'd yell our cheer. which consisted of something like:

"WHERE DID WE COME FROM?"
"MASSACHUSSETS!"
"HOW FAR DID WE DRIVE?"
"900 MILES!" [o'course multiply that by 2 for the round trip, but not at that point]
"HOW LONG DID IT TAKE?"
"15 HOURS!"
"HOW MUCH SLEEP DID WE HAVE?"
"NONE!!!!!!"

awesome. then of course, since a. fell in love with the tralala song by gunther we started singing that. and dancing to it. it was AWESOME. then the scurrying, then the yelling throat out, wash, rinse, repeat for girls' race.

all in all, it was good. girls got 5th from an at large bid. nescac runners [from our region] dominated. 4 of the top 5 teams were from nescac :D

after which we trekked to a fountain that w, saw in the distance to attempt to wash off.

turns out it was in the middle of a lake. which was gunky. well, gunky wasn't so bad, we'd have handled gunky. it was worse when we saw those rainbow slicks there. definately not good stuff.

which was why t. jumped in and swam out to the fountain halfway.

the rest of us decided to wash off in the fountain near the shops. of course, shan has to go and dive right in despite it being FORTY DEGREES FARENHEIT OUT. he was shivering and blue and regretting it later, no surprise.

and then of course after finding random food and discovering that alcohol is absorbed really fast into the bloodstream when you're tired and hungry (thank you r.) everyone collapsed into the vans and died on the way home. barring some minor tragedies ("we can't find the sexy back cd!") and major incidents ("HOW DID YOU GET TWO CD'S IN THE PLAYER?") we survived.

and of course, we were woken up when we got back to massachussets by them blaring sexy back on the cd. and of course, like how we entered the race course after ihop, we drove into tufts blaring final countdown all the way.

AWESOME.

though now i'm missing one sock, and my shoes are STILL muddy because i don't know HOW i'm gonna get them clean at ALL, i'm pretty good.

heading down to NY this weekend with mr f. matasuri, sarabeths, and libation. love the guy.

music of the moment - michelle branch - all you wanted
mood of the moment - oof.

JHOKAY so i owes people an explanations about roadtripping etc so here goes.

we went up to....ohio! goddamn that place is far. as in, really far. think 15 hours of sitting in a van. so yes, people start doing stupid things and getting high. stupid things include: truth or dare. for at least 2 hours. with dares getting progressively awkward and more uncomfortable…yeahhh. put it this way: it was a very naked trip. in more ways than one. see, we started out with "no pants hour". then it progressed to "no pants new york", as in the state, not the city. and the thing with the trip is that you have a bit of massachussets, a LOT of new york, a littlebitofpenn (say an hour), and A TONNNNN OF OHIO. dammit that place is HUGE.

so apart from truth or dare (in which we managed to weird out s., who is possibly the least likely weird-able person evar) and pantslessness, we had mooning and flashing and streaking. we streaked an empty campus (and by we, i mean most of the other van). it went like this: so other van stops at gas station before us and a few people there go: "hey, why don't we go streak this random college nearby?". rest of van agrees is good idea, and our van gets notified. driver of our van (the esteemable n.) gets slightly annoyed ("we have fucking places to go!") but follows them there anyways. we get there, drive around the campus looking for dorms, and find -no one-. absolutely not a soul. n. gets progressively pissed-er, and pulls up next to the other oncoming van (the roads were confusing, and we lost them for a bit) and proceeds to chew and hack off the other van's collective heads to the accompaniment of our cheering him on ("look it's a fucking -religious- school, they probably have a fucking -curfew-, there's no fucking person -here-…"). other van preceeds us and cheerfully blocks up the only exit. the entire van pours out of it starkers and runs around. n. gives up ("if anyone else wants to streak, you're doing it now.") and two of our van members scramble out ("there's not enough time!"), one of which runs to the main road and attempts to hitch a ride. in his words: "the first lady didn't even notice me. the second gave me the weirdest look -ever-. the sort of look you'd give someone who was trying to hitchhike at the side of the road in the middle of the night wearing absolutely nothing.")

so yes. and of course, there was streaking of petrol stations.

i realise the empowerment of a big country. you're pretty certain that this sorta thing doesn't come back to haunt you.

in any case we get to ohio at 5.30am in the morning and attempt to sleep because we got NONE on the way up. in the end, everyone's IN the van because it's too cold outside to sleep. and no one sleeps either because there's too much talking and sarcasm going on. in the end people give up, and we drive to ihop for breakfast. n. is dying, everyone gets the coffee combo ("water because you're dehydrated, and coffee to actually wake up") and after which we walk around the area checking out the route.

ohio is flat. like, FLAT. the only high point was a hill, and i use the term generously. you have perhaps 10m of elevation over 800m of horizontal going. you can almost see forever. and because it was raining the past week, the course was MUDDY. a renewed case of swamp aids was almost guaranteed (when we ran the nescac 2 weeks ago people who ran in the water all got a horrible rash. either poison ivy or swimmers itch - a tiny avian parasite that gets into humans and DIES and gives a bad rash).

ok gotta go for thanksgiving. continue later :D

been awake for 27 hours now. feel godawful. gotta get through class again. no philosophy paper to hand up at all.

fuckfuckfuck the sun's rising already it's 6.55am and bloody hell the paper isn't finished.

HOW MUCH SLEEP DID WE GET? NONE!!!!!

ok i lied. half an hour.

fuckfuckfuck i have 3 hours to go.

awesome article. now back to work.

update on ohio comes later after day of horror ends. pulling allnighter tonight.

TOO MUCH CAFFIENE SKIPPING OVER WOR[L]DS CANNOT CONCENTRATE IN COMMPUTER LAB IN EATON BASHING AT KEYBOARD MONKEYS AHOY SHAKESPEARE'SWORK COMING UP SOON STUPID SEMIFORMAL DATES GONNA DIE WORK OMG BYE.

BACK FROM OHIO TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT COLD SO COLD WAS INTEGRAL ELEMENT OF TRIP AM VERYVERY TIRED.

drove: 900 miles each way.
slept: none on the way up (well not really. but almost). all the way down.
ate: badly. as in, nutritionally wise. my body hates me now.
had: a TON OF FUN.

g'night.

on a side note: do not eat chocolate covered coffee beans compulsively, and definately not before bed. bad for sleep, bad for you.


but they're SOOO GOOOOD.

uncontactable for 2 days, going to ohio. ROADTRIPPP!!! yeah cross country nationals!

oh. so i discovered that tag-board has now been taken over by an indonesian company, which is why it's screwing nine types of hell out of my page. will fix over thanksgiving, probably.

weird al palindromes

i am so tired. and my ra is one who, i quote, "spreads her legs for her residents".

in her defence, that is because she was demonstrating for me the pilates moves that she was unable to do, and everyone happened to walk by. or at least, one of her guy friends.

of course she had to demonstrate more.

graa. roadtrip/ir paper? questions, questions...

so yeah, it's monday, and i REALLY SHOULD START ON MY IR PAPER but of course, me being me, i haven't. not yet. not even completed the readings. i am SO SCREWED YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT but of course, me being the sleep-like-log hog hamster why are you even surprised...

but anyways. part of the reason why i'm so dang tired is because we had a debate tourney on friday and sat. and of course, i had gone out on thursday for i remember not what but it'll come back to me :) but yeah, i'm kinda pooped. running around and trying to judge debaters who are clearly more brilliant than me is unnerving. plus i'm a freshman i.e. first year i.e. scumoftheearth so i don't really have much credibility when it comes to judging worlds champions.

but yeah. in any case. we were the fastest tournament -evarr-. penn had a tournament but they ran 6 hours late last i checked so apparently they're getting desanctioned. and we were even offered the chance to host an unopposed tournament. which means we'd be the only tournament on that day, no tournament also going on in the south like penn this time. but we naturally can't, since we absolutely have no space/manpower to handle that. but it's a night thought, all the same.

after tournament, was chillout at josh's place. and then was brom again. miami pd is highly amusing - we [heart] billy (i.e. judge reinhold) and his gun fixation. it's great. i want a poster of him in his duster with his shotgun over his shoulder looking screen right in the sun. i'm sure there's one out there.

but yeah. now we're in the one of the six seasons known as "shit". i think i've been through this already, but yeah. it's wet and miserable, and looks to be for a few days. am seriously considering buying wellies.

maybe duckyfeet ones.

so it's been a while since the last post. let's start with halloween. we headed out to beacon hill to trick or treat. why? to see if john kerry would hand out candy bars personally.

well we didn't see john kerry (we suspect he had an aide do it since the lady giving treats out certainly wasn't teresa heinz-kerry) but we got a TON of chocolates. which btw i have made a sizeable dent in in the intervening 10 days >.< and the crowd on beacon hill was AMAZING. beacon hill's where it's at, i swear. all these teeny tots dressed up as lions and stuff are really cute, but somehow they put me in mind of people dressing up their dogs. notable costumes: the two kids dressed up as jailbirds in a pram with a flashing blue rotating light a la a police car, the sleeping sheep in its pram, and the totally freaked out simba who saw the ghoul give out candy. if there ever was a kid in need of therapy it was that one.

oh, and i went to brown last week. debate competition. debate wise, it was an UNMITIGATED DISASTER. hands down. lost all 4 rounds, bye-d the last one. BAD. but getting to meet the singapore people was good - i even met up with adam, who i haven't seen since jc! didn't know he goes to brown. mmmmbagel.

but yeah. coming back from brown, got a nice dose of white supremacy. suffice it to say my jewish friend was all for hauling off and hitting these young punks in the face. nice.

mmmm should sleep. judging tmr. stayed up guarding cannon. arg. not even mine.

i love the master and margarita, but it is just SO HARD TO WRITE A DAMN LITERARY PAPER ON IT. keep getting distracted by it's fantastical nature.

must see past it, must.


oh yes. why nerds are unpopular. ain't this interesting.

WOW so we just went trick or treating on beacon hill, which is the posh area of boston (equivalent to queen astrid park). it was one flava flave, one pirate (there are so many pirates around, probably the most popular costume. after which is borat), one princess peach (in jeans), one vacationer (he insisted on being a "vacationer" and not a tourist, and he carried a brandy glass. with coke in it, of course] and i can't remember what andrea was, but it was good :) since i was a black ipod silhouette on saturday, i figured i'd be the exact opposite today. all white, that's me. and the reason we went? to see if john kerry would answer the door for tricks or treats.

OHMYGODS that place was chaotic. parents with kids. parents with toddlers. parents with grubs (literally. it was a bee, it was probably 1 year old, and it was sucking its thumb). people with dressed up dogs. people EVERYWHERE. the kids were ridiculously cute. probably the best moments of the excursion.

and dear gods, that was the only time you could probably look into the houses of the rich and the obscenely so. one of them looked like the inside of a palace. picture a warm walnut kinda room, with dark green trimming and beautiful decorated ceilings and a marble vase next to the grand piano. the kind of room sherlock holmes would relax in. that's the kind of rooms they have. and studies. and entryways.

and of course, since they're rich, they give out hershey bars. like the threedollar ones you get in convenience stores. right now i have a bowl stolen from the dining hall next to me, and there is SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in here i'm gonna get diabetes or bounce off walls.

and of course we stopped by the president's house on the way back. as in, the president of the university. who also gave chocolate :)

life is GOOD.

apart from the five page russian essay that's due tomorrow, but i'm not thinking about that plsthanks. i'm thinking about next year's halloween. i'm gonna be a panic button.

WOOOOO. so halloween was nuts. went to the warehouse and carved a pumpkin, nearly died at the creative costumes, met with all the cross country people (who had absolutely HILARIOUS costumes) tried to go into ihouse but was TOTALLY UNABLE TO, then went to hang out at the brom.

brom was a blast. conservative estimate - had 7 drinks. um. say. 2 cans worth of beer, close to 5 shots of vodka, some cigars and some…extra. schweet. memorable moments: the bloody vodka half glass (on hindsight, the 20minute after shot with tirrell was a mistake), raising pizza money and of course, peter brown getting kissed and traumatised. i've never seen anyone who looked like they needed 20 years worth of therapy.

good times.

today was a good day :) started when i heard why don't you get a job and then dani california on the radio. haven't heard offspring in a LONG while :) and then went to a concert after dinner. with beethoven and rachmaninoff!!! you could hear the passion in her playing, and when you get frissons while at a concert you know it's great. then it was beer pong and amusing conversation at the brom, then when i was on the way bck to miller i ran into matt and ended up tossing a football around the cannon while they were painting it :) it's ALL GOOD yeah baby.

I BLOODY HATE STATIC. now that it's cold enough that i have to wear a fleece everywhere i go, every time i take it off i hear crackles. when i try to put it down, it gives me multiple shocks worthy of a tesla coil. and everyone else gets a good laugh >p

omg weird al rules!

oh my god there are SO MANY WEIRD THINGS going on on our floor that we've just started dismissing them as "miller second floor west side". we had people run around giggling and hiding cs style wearing nylon stockings over their heads, then we had people walk up to my neighbour's door and go "BLEEAAARRRGG" and walk off.

miller secold floor west side.

so, got whacked in the face by a dodgeball ball, resulting in blurry vision from glasses being pressed into eyeball. probably have imprint of nosebridge in there somewhere, swimming around in my vitreous humour. possibly even aqueous humour, seeing as have doubleble vision w00t. also have shin splints, and am paying price for not wearing orthotics. slept through half of spanish class again, made worse by the fact that it was an exam today. this thanks to frantically writing philosophy paper two nights before to find it was not due, and ironically doing spanish the night before till 4am. all in all, nothing new.

oh gods i can't feel my feet. and it's only 9ºC. my god. why is temperature so subjective???

slipper weather is over :( i need boots fast.

AAAHHHHH!!! NO ROBIN WILLIAMS AND JOHNNY DEPP IN THE GOOD OMENS MOVIE??!

i am vastly unhappy.

HOKAY. so. first up, icruise. which was a blast. well, it was mostly a blast because i managed to get up to the alcoholic area. and this was because i managed to get the wrist band that gave me passage to the upper deck where alcohol was. so david and i went around to search for wristbands because we heard michael found one and managed to get upstairs. we were like "ok, how the hell are we gonna do this." i was especially annoyed because a guy had spilled a box of wristbands before and i didn't act on the chance to pick one up so i was kinda whacking my head against the metaphorical wall.

and then, glory be, there was one next to the dustbin. david found one IN the dustbin, heh, and apparently so did a few other people :P so we were euphoric at our success for a while, then we kidna realised they were carding certain people. which kinda put a damper on the excitement.

so the trick is. go when it's clear. they'll just wave you through, no sweat. awesome stuff. drinks, a full beirut cup for $8, and pretty strong too. they didn't have drambuie, but i realised i do like white russians :) 'sgreat. decent music too, which was rare.

after which i helped drunk people back, as is my lot in life >.< why are americans unable to control themselves, i have no idea. in any case, had to help really drunk friend back to house, where i ended up watching and dealing poker until 4.45am. so of course i ended up staying overnight, and the best part was walking towards the dining hall for breakfast with one the guys and having the walk past the entire girls team back from their run.

awkwaaaarrrd. *twiddles thumbs and does the awkward turtle thing*

so yeah. now for work.

omg i didn't believe it was possible, but my dorm lounge has become even more distracting than ever. they're playing water pong, thanks to two sturdy chairs and a door hinge and 12 cups. my ra would have a fit if she saw this.

in other newses, i have a package! with phone and watch and calculator and fbts! which are the most comfortable shorts in the world bar none.

ran 5 miles today! am happy :)

ok abstract time.

just back from race, was as usual last. like, 5th from bottom, woohoo >p but i ran better...goal: run sub-25 5k. dear god, the front runners run the 5k in 17m23s. SEVENTEEN MINUTES bloody hell. that's faster than most guys!

w00t! just had dinner in the dining hall. would be unremarkable, if not for the formalwear that everyone was wearing, which was awesome. had to arrange stuff neatly on the plates, too. the amusement was probably worth the almost-freezing-ness that everyone eudured after dinner. i think. it was bloody cold.

so i'm gonna try out for the boston marathon.

go me.

omgomgi'mgonnadie

fuck. i just spent 2h45mins sitting outside my professors door waiting to catch him as he comes in to collect papers, the past 45mins of which were spent sitting staring at my screen because i was stuck on my essay at 4 pages. and THEN. i find out. that they should be doublespaced.

#^*72(*^&(@#%@()*%&

AHAHAHAHAH THIS IS AWESOME!!! i'd get these when i go skiing...no need to lug that vodka bottle around! just 16oz of booze, so you don't get TOO drunk but it's enough to keep you toasty-warm, mm. of course, that means you lose heat faster and get hypothermia and die faster so youse at own risk.

eecummings - marvellous. splendiferocious.

homecoming. a pact, a deal, manunkind. leave me to my inmorality, inabsolution, incoherence. again, resonance in lives. how odd. denialdenial, debunkum. warmth and consequences, warmth and consequences. it is late, 3am, witching hour, and coldcoldcold. 12ºC.



pity this busy monster,manunkind

not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victim (death and life safely beyond)

plays with the bigness of his littleness
-electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange;lenses extend

unwish through curving wherewhen till
unwish returns on its unself.

                                            A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor flesh

and trees,poor stars and stones,but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical

ultraomnipotence. We doctors know

a hopeless case if-liten:there's a hell
of a good universie next door;lets go

debate was ok. bloody train driver didn't open the back doors to let us on since the front was packed full, so she just drove off )(#%(*@%&. saw nicol and mel so that's ok :)):):):):):)) am happy.

random smiles on the train can be awkward and embarassing.

ok so after the horriying ordeal of sleeping two hours and being surprisingly perky in the rest of my waking hours and only sleeping 8 hours to make up for it because i ate sugarencrusted cereal (smartstart and cinnamon toast ftw) so i couldn't sleep, i am somehow alive. never leave philosophy papers till the last minute. i was surprisingly awake, but woke up at 0855 for an 0900 class and zombied my way through it and the rest of the classes that followed. debate today, and i am not particularly confident. had a decent debate yesterday, but somehow i believe i will need more sleep to be decent.

so i will write down things i observe here.

my door ticks like a spring every time it creaks open due to the wind, or you pull it open. two weeks ago, fall meant a burst of fallen acorns (there are acorns here! often without their little caps, but yeah) divebombing cars. now fall means "wtf how is that woman wearing a spag strap it just rained the ground is wet and it's COLD" (18ºc out). fall means eating blood red drops of summer while lying on a rug listening to disney songs.

saw a pigeon crossing the road via the zebra crossing, no joke. at every white stripe it'd stop and peck at something. squirrels cross the road differently - they use electric wires. saw one run on one of these man-made highways to the pole and run further up the pole to cross the road to get to the other side.

strange dream, last night. really odd.

i had something to say but i forgot. thought of the day second, that's me.

on a side note my quacky adium sound notification is highly amusing when it shocks my friend.

on a bad note my macbook is scratched :( poor ishyoocow.

on a breezy note it's bloody cold out.

i should be doing work.

i fucking HATE stupid "please say you details" automated answering services. i KNOW they're for the benefit of those who don't have touch tone dialing, but when it gets to the point when eating doritos translates to "account services" and silences equate to "99908", fuck that i just want to talk to a bloddy operator! one who won't think eating doritos means a vulgar slur on your unfortunate parentage.

so frustrated.

so fall is coming. the leaves are subtly turning colour [i write in the u in spite of my new language over here mm], and everywhere you see their carcasses. little vestiges of a fled summer. the hedges are suddenly bursting with red berries, bright red rowan-esque explosions peeking out from behind thin green needles.

it's silent here today, everyone's gone back for rosh hashanah, my roommate's out up at godknowswhere tufts lodge somewhere in the mountains and i'm just watching trees whisper and sneeze to each other. i should clear up my room and do work, but i'd term that an exercise in futility.

so tell me, why do i think i can change the world? or fix people? when i can't even sort out my room or do my homework.

had insane crazy sugar high yesterday, following the time-tested-tried-and-true method of eating 4 scoops (or more) of ice cream just after exercising. so was running around and bouncing. if only that worked before a race >.<

today was a bad day. books hate me - i had to go to the bookstore twice to get a book replaced, my bag's broken as is my sandal (again! the glue doesn't work), and wallet fell out of bag as i scurried out of locker room at the athletic centre. i went back later looking for the bag bit that had fallen off and found my wallet in the locker room - i didn't even know it had fallen out.

of course i guess it was too much to ask that whoever was in there had left the money inside. i don't know, i was just angry and disappointed. angry at myself being careless again, not checking for things left behind, and disappointed that people around me who live around me would even do such a thing. i guess i give people too much credit. not everyone's honest. but it is a disappointment to find that out, i guess.

in any case, i wasn't happy heading out to run. no surprise. but i find running a good way to deal with things, or at least working out. you may start it in a shitty mood, but after you finish and the endorphins have finished whooping their way around your system, well, you may not feel fantastic or happy, but you do feel like you can deal with the shit that has been thrown at you.

and i guess i'm grateful that the bitch who took the cash (it was a lot of cash) didn't take the whole wallet. which would suck, as i had my visa cards and my school id in there. and i am definately grateful i deposited a lot of my cash earlier today. and it's also a good thing people owe me cash too so i have capital there. so yeah, silver lining and all.

it still sucks, but i can deal with it. *sigh* ok off to debate now.

its 1.35 am and i'm suddenly so fucking lost it's not even funny.


you could have had so much more.

banksy has an exhibition!

interesting things i just remembered/found out:

the eagles were the original ones who wrote also did a cover of the boys of summer, which is a pleasant surprise.

davidoff actually is a cigarette brand rather than a perfume brand. did not know that. (this i realised in germany)

tufts has this AMAZING AWESOME collection of the dali card lithographs. i am in love. its GREAT.

it's a balmy 25ºC out here today, wonderfully humid-ish and SUNNY and i'm listening to music and eating strawberries under a tree on the lawn, watching an ant wandering on my apple, with a breeze blowing. as you can tell, it's idyllic and i'm happy. it's wonderful. norwegian wood and sunday morning under the sun would be perfect, i'm working and i'm gloriously content. i love summer.

so, some thoughts:

the flag's still at half mast in the quad, and it's one of those things you notice when you're cold and freezing, and it sticks in your head. it hasn't left half-mast since sept 12 when i first realised it. perhaps there is a month of mourning for sept 11, but i really don't know, and no one really does, no one i've asked, not even americans.

philosophical musings at 2am at night can be wonderful, and pensively pleasantly pitiably sad. there's a generation of lost, degenerate and aimless kids out there who don't know what to do with their life, who have no aim, and are degenerate because they don't know anything else to be. what's even more pitiable is that they're aware of it, of their trap, but can't get out because of the inertia they place on themselves. there's despair there, the knowledge that they're on a self-destruct cycle but they can't get out of it because they see no point, there's nothing else for them.

archie's moths, all of them. brief flashes of hope, brilliance, love, and they spiral away, fade away.

and it hurts.

--

fly me to the moon by oscar peterson in the sun on the grass with strawberries. bliss. it's a good sunday.

everyone should read kahlil gibran. and haruki murakami's noruwei no mori.

music of the monment - tal buchman - she's so high
mood of the moment - pleasantly content

just back from running. damn, 5k seems so long now. ran it in 27+ which sucks balls. i think i need spikes, cleats, and fbts, and stuff like that. god i need to bathe. will be back.

omg i love my dorm its hilarious. so this cop comes on his dorm rounds and some how he ended up playing foozball with our residential assistant. and then a horde of my dormmates came by after drinking. trust me. it was funny. one of my friends said: "you're not a real cop are you?"

"yes i am. want to see how legal i can be?" *starts taking out his beat stick (truncheon like thing)

*friend sprints to the far wall with an utterly frantic and panicked expression on her face "oh my god he's gonna beat me!!! i was just kidding ok!!!"

ohh kay. so i'm back from surviving 3 games of beer pong (GO MARCH OF DIMES!) and so i'm kinda non-functioning. cross coutnry was good today, won first overall and first indiv with a new course record despite the heat and humidity. and the cross party was quite fun :) beerpong!

anyways. last night was fall ball, which i spent most of my time wandering around trying to find people. and sending smashed singaporean friend back to dorm. it was quite funny, especially since he kept insisting he wasn't asian but african. and stealing my scarf to wear.

oh gods i'm not thinking straight. oooh! i just got windows on mac, so can use c++and play games and shite. coolbeans.

and for all those mac purists out there who scream at the thought of windows on mac: screw you. too buzzed to bother.

oooooookay. so i woke up at 3 in the morning yesterday to take my shift at painting the cannon. for those who aren't in the know, painting the cannon (i.e. a cannon in the quadrangle centre grassy patch thing that has more than a hundred coats of paint is a tufts tradition) so my dorm painted our dorm name and logo on the silly thing using spray paint. and the thing about painting it is that you gotta make sure people don't come by half an hour later to paint over it so we had shifts until 5-6am in the morning. mine was 3-4, obscene it was. but fun :)

and i just got back from fall ball. basically an excuse to dress up and dance like mad and get drunk. no surprise, no? heh had to put friend to bed. now tired, have to get up tmr, will give more details if i can remember tmr. ciao

just got back from an acapella audition. was bloody nervous. it is 2.41 in the fucking morning. i have class at 8.30am.

in any case, am really excited about classes. they're awesome, professors are cool and funky and sardonic and some no-nonsense. i love it. i love the jazz class. its great its great its great.

saw girl run out to meet boyfriend while waiting for audition. one other girl summed it up for us: "aw. now i'm jealous".

which was quite amusing :)

k so i'm really fixated on the comp screen now and stadium arcadium is on really really loudly. yay for large bass speakers.


this is actually quite amusing :P

and red hot chilli peppers remind me of queen, in their variation and treatment of music, how they innovate in the same way. if you call it innovation.

music of the moment - red hot chilli peppers - stadium arcadium

so it's cold, and i'm in my friend's boyfriend's room, and they're being cuddly. the rest just left, and i've been in a sorta mildly ebullient mood as i meander to my random chores. red hot chilli peppers sum up my mood perfectly, and i don't know what i'm gonna do for the rest of my time here. i'll be back, winter break, and i presume after that i'll be ok. i'll be returning to somewhere familiar. the cold air from the open window caresses my skin, and i know more than ever i'm alone. i don't begrudge them anything, i'm happy for them.




Tell me baby what's your story
My heart
Where you come from
Your skin
And where you wanna go this time
This love

I'm in
Tell me lover are you lonely
We don't arrive, without a surprise
The thing we need is
You're right

Never all that hard to find

I'm wrong
Tell me baby what's your story
Where do you come from
Be free
Belong
And where you wanna go this time
Your so lovely are you lonely
Giving up on the innocence you left behind



I don't wanna have to, but I will,
If that's what I'm supposed to do.
We don't wanna set up for the kill,
But that's what I'm about to do.


music of the moment - red hot chilli peppers - hey
mood of the moment - ambivalent/pensive/wilfully deaf

have attempted to pack up room for roommate who will be coming in in at least 12 hours time. so since i'm going to this luau thing (read: party thing) i am trying to pack now. i'm doing ok. can see table, floor pretty clear. so anyways. just got back from tromping around boston. again, cold. and rainy. got phone and some 9 west bag which was discounted $40 us i.e. i got it for about $31 us which is probably really good since it's kinda ex in sg i dont know. but it's capacious and can probably fit my macbook so i is satisfied i think. ohgod packing. ciao.

late and cold out. so before i turn in, this anti-telemarketeering script is awesome.

in dorm room. is very cold. toes froze, so no sandals again. currently trying to fix net connection in other peoples com, back to the techie role again. is cold. should be unpacking, but can't be bothered and will be heading for social thingy soon. was supposed to be shisha on library roof, but it is COLD and RAINY so :( no shisha. still. its just next door. did i mention it's cold? it's cold. SEND ME PHOTOS hur :)

so this is sonia, posting from her new macbook. it is lovely, but getting used to it is kinda iffy. i'm working of it. and thanks to the wonderful free wireless of amerisuites. it's kind of like a lowerscale hyatt-for-the-masses..only the room is huge, and for $99 a night (USD) its really quite a deal. then again, that's considering the really really cramped accomodation we had at the econolodge at times square in ny. ny is an expensive place. EXPENSIVE. you can't imagine just how much it costs to live there. so for $139 a night we had this titchy room that was big enough for one queen sized or so bed, a cupboard for the tv, and barely enough room for the two big suitcases and random big floppy bags. and it was squeezy. the toiletries were quite atas (high class) though. clairol herbal shampoos in little bottles. you spend 7 bucks back home for a big bottle heh.

new york wasn't as overwhelming as i expected, for it being the big apple and city and all. but it's kinda scary that you can be very, very faceless there. you may be in a city of six million people, and you can be very alone. like that lat comicl, where he's in paris and is writing to his mom. he says "you ask if i feel alone. in this city of 6 million lovers? yes mum."

but anyways. lots of ny to see, but the best bits of it i feel are above your head. you have to look up to appreciate the architecture, the skyline...and the neon lights of times square and the blink[er]ing lights of broadway. speaking of which, i saw two shows there :) the first was the producers, which we rushed to just after moving our bags into our room. econolodge times square is just next to broadway, so we puttered to the ticket booth, and subsequently rushed for the show. which was good :) though i thought the songs were faster than the movie and the comedic timing less so, but then again this doesn't have the benefit of editing and retakes so. then also caught SPAMALOT!!!! so awesome. i want the killerbunnyslippers of doooom. they are SO AWESOME. i cannot stress the wonderfulness of this enough. and the new songs are also quite good too :D mwaha.

the rest of ny was spent at the museum of modern art >.< there are 6 levels of exhibits. we went from opening to closing time (1030-1730) and only got through 3 levels. there is just so much to see, from the cezannes to the dada movement (go check it up, it's quite interesting). i like man ray's obstruction, especially the idea behind it. if only we had enough coat hangers. obstructing the universe sounds quite cool. call me a philistine, but seeing everything from cezanne's the bather to monet's reflections of clouds on a lily pond (i never KNEW it was so GIMONGOUS) to dali's melting clocks (didn't know it was so small, the detailing belies its size) to warhol's soup cans is good for the soul. everyone should go to visit an art gallery with acclaimed masterpieces that culture vultures adore once in a while. makes you feel alive again.

and i've been using the word gimongous a lot lately. for everything from buildings to paintings to SQUIRRELS. they are HUGE. like the sparrows, because they are cold and fat.

boston is cold, and large. all that walking around kills the feet. met a few tufts people here in amerisuites too...some going for IO, some for FIT, meh. we'll see how everything goes...moving in tomorrow. so until i actually get wireless again, ciao.

..enough, now.

agagooga has done it again :) this is a scream.

so today was wonderful and amusing. i like ebullient and high :)

we're living on borrowed time.

music of the moment - duke ellington (or whoever was playing) - i'm beginning to see the light

mm so its one more year, more responsibility, but i don't know about more trust. i don't know if i trust myself, not after my actions these past few months. but i'll grow, i'll learn, i'll get better. we'll see how that one goes. thanks to all :) love you guys lotses and very muchly too :)

-------------------

what hezbollah really is, or the nature of hezbollah (or rather hizb allah, "gods army") is important. got to talking about it at dinner today, and it's interesting how what me dad said corresponded to what the article says.

for one, he theorises the current hezbollah arose out of the 1982 lebanon war. which is interesting. that would mean that for, say, five years after the war, maybe even a decade, the generation that were kids during the war grew up on a legacy of hatred and knowledge that they were being bombed by The Enemy. they were brought up learning to hate The Other, probably not knowing or caring that they themselves were also retaliating. so now, around 25 years in the future, the disaffected are returning with a vengeance. literally.

and in a very very ironic and depressing cycle, israel is just bombing the shit out of them again, with no thought to the fact that their consequences are gonna come back to bite them in the ass big time another quarter century down the road. israel and palestine, seemingly, are not the only ones that are largely defined by who they hate. hezbollah is as well - according to the article, they flourish because they proclaim they represent the Resistance To The Oppressor, the path to freedom. and all israel is doing is reinforcing this.

and yes, they are squandering their rare portion of goodwill. with the backing of the world's most powerful nation (militarily, and possibly for now economically), they can seemingly afford to piss off people in order to show the world that this new government is not to be trifled with. but you can't. you have to cultivate relations, you have to cultivate people, if you want to end this. nothing was ever built on a foundation of hatred, of enmity and distrust. but i dont know if that's what they want, an continuation of the war.

all this short term things, short term plans. no integration, just forcing people to follow you with no regard. it sounds like the usa for some reason. interestingly when blair offered to mediate between india and pakistan (i think), they politely rebuffed him with a "you don't have the civilisation to deal with us". that's an interesting thought, when applied to america. compared to britain, china, india...the us is a teenager with a lot of power, telling 40 year olds what to do. yes, the 40 year olds may not be in the best of shape, but they remember the good old days and are proud of it. and they know the value of cultivating goodwill, which the us isn't doing right now. it'll be interesting to see how this turns out.

mm. caberet. very interesting, and risque like hell. don't bring kids. scandalous, would be the word.

to those who ask. and the one who knows why.

Why Should I Wake Up?
Why should I wake up?
This dream is going so well.
When you're enchanted,
Why break the spell?

Drifting in this youthful state,
Morning can wait, let it come late.

Why should I wake up?
Why waste a drop of the wine?
Don't I adore you
And aren't you mine?

Maybe I'll someday be lonely again,
But why should I wake up?

Why should I wake up till then?

oh good lords. anyone seen the new detainee trial proposal bill? where hearsay evidence that has been "determined to be probative and reliable" will be brought into consideration. they "may be tried and punished at any time without limitations" and held until hostilities are completed, even if found not guilty by a commission. defendants can be excluded from their own trial for the sake of "national security".

WTF. WHAT THE EFFING HELL. WHAT BLOODY SYSTEM ARE YOU LIVING IN.

i really can't say anything, except thank GODS this is just a discussion paper. if you ever prayed for anything, pray that this isn't the final thing.

although this righteous-anger-schit i'm spouting does beg the question of "what else would you do".

hold a trial, maybe? if you can't trust your judiciary to keep state secrets or your system to screen out a proper nation-loving jury (if you have one), then autocracy is your best bet, hmm? call a spade a spade, why don't you. jeez.

one man, one vote. only thing is, bush is the man, and he got the vote. and it not necessarily a good thing, too.

i'd rather a vetinari.

HAHAHAHAHAH the producers has really gotten under my skin. as has real gone.

Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Aaah, haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Russian folksongs und French oo-la-la
Can't compare with a German oom-pah-pah!
Ve're sayin'...
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing...
Polish polkas, they're stupid und they're rotten
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that
Schweigen-reigen-schone-schutzen-schmutzen sauerbraten!
Key change!
Ve're sayin'...
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing...
It's ze only kind of musik
Zat ve huns und our honeys
Love to sing!

music of the moment - sheryl crow - real gone
mood of the moment - amused and content, in a i-dont-care-sort-of-way.

so i thought i felt bad walking away. turns out you can feel worse.

the weather outside's bleak, which is surprising and rather apt. so this is what it feels to be gutted. hollow. catch-22. dead.

i wouldn't feel so bad, i think, if it didn't hit while i was fucking hormonal. or maybe i would.


i cannot sing anymore.


It's just a thought, only a thought...

If my life is for rent,
And I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
'Cos nothing I have is truly mine.


music of the moment - dido - life for rent
mood of the moment - emotionless. i lie, of course.

AHAHAHAHAMUPPETS!!!
love those guys

this is what you get for telling your son's parrot to shut up

this is what a rocket booster feels like...

many things to talk about:
1. the gagging of the mr brown, and the purported registration of singapore bloggers. one wonders why, if the government is so clean, you need to gag one of singapore's most prominent bloggers. if he's just pointing out a coincidence, then why should you be scared of rebutting him especially if you're in the right as you always say? doing this just invites the usual criticism of "no opposition at all", and the sneaking suspicion of patronising paternalism. and if you're so "pro-free-speech", why cancel his column? is it for fear of retribution by the government? so much for pluralism, as mr tan tarn how says (the senior research fellow at the institute of policy studies if you had read the article).

and though cherian george may say that this co-opting of "hip online culture" is just to up newspapers hip quotient, and that it may not be "acceptable to give the same individual the same status in a more public platform" vis-a-vis the internet, doesn't the fact that you're co-opting him in the first place mean that you value his opinion? or at least, that you're willing to give him the soapbox? so saying things on the internet is fine, but in the newspapers, is clearly Not Good. despite the internet being a much more powerful (albeit more informal) tool than the internet in dissemminating information. so i guess that means it just reinforces the idea that paper is a more controllable soapbox than the internet.

which is true. also for enforcability. like the hare-brained idea to make "all authors of singapore blogs" to register with the media development authority (mda).

how bloody enforcable is THAT????? and what the hell, does that mean kids who bitch about school are going to be forced to sign on the line before being able to open an account with blogger.com, which, incidentally, is an american site. [on a side note, i wonder who's jurisdiction is law when it comes to such things. probably singapore's, but i is not sure.] its bloody chafing that's what. and [dare i say it] arrogant, to assume your arm and reach is as long as the damn internet is deep. china tried it, and china is much much more controlling than we are. needless to say, they failed.


2. the road to guantanamo. struck me a lot. i mean, what can i say. i was all angry at their treatment, how they were considered guilty without ever being given a trial, how they were lied to in an attempt to have them "admit guilt", how they were tortured into admitting lies, and just how much a lack of finesse that the weapons on the war on terror has.

but then my colleague pointed out to me: you do realise the context is just set after sept 11. the us of a and the soldiers are not likely to be forgiving. and if you do come across the real hardcore people, this is really the only way you'll get information out of them. and so i asked him, what would you do if you were them? and he said, the same thing, probably. what would you do? and i realised i had no answer. its a bloody bitter thing to realise, that you have no way to have effectiveness and finesse at the same time. and every attempt to utilise finesse will result in less effectiveness.

but things i remember from the movie:
when rumsfeld was commenting on guantanamo. so he says "they [the terrorists] are held in appropriate conditions", treated "humanely", and conditions there "consistent with the geneva convention. for the most part". and you realise soon that he's left himself a gaping loophole, he's used sophistry to cover his ass. good lord. its so deathly ironic that you want to cry.

the guard taking a photo of the detainees protesting over the riot police beating up a crazy detainee. i couldn't help thinking, i'll bet they used that photo for some propaganda shit. really.

the humane acts from the guards. sounds crazy, but true. like when the guard asks one of the tipton three to rap for him, and laughs about it. or when the guard stomps on the tarantula in his cell one night. more of the former. but still. its nice to see the film doesn't portray the guards as total bastards, who are so much easier to hate. though the interrogators are supposedly total assholes, and easy to vilify.
would be interesting to see a story told from their pov though.


so yes. have interesting project that i might take up, who knows. might even get blacklisted (i just watched mi:3 hence the spy stories playing out in my head). but singapore is covered up too much, and the governement isn't giving us enough credit. we're being patronised and patted on the head, and we see through many of the facades and falsities you present us. please, stop insulting us.

reading about drinking games on wikipedia is HILARIOUS. must play fuzzy duck and roman numerals. but possibly the most amusing one i came across (because i was so tickled by the descriptions) was this:

The Manowar Drinking Game: for fans of Heavy Metal band Manowar, known for the extensive use of certain words in their lyrics. Every time Eric sings "steel", "blood" or "kill", take a drink. Even using just beer you'll be wasted after 2-3 songs. If you use dude you'll die. Seriously, don't do it.

isn't it amazing what a simple line can do. like the drawings in the king james bible. or something like that. i can't remember the edition.

i just checked. it's the good news bible. and it says a lot that if i want to find it, i look in my brothers room now. brother has just got religion, and while i guess i'm happy for him, i'm...i dunno. uneasy. more at me and myself than anything. there're too many questions. more and more pressure, and the ugly realisations that occur after that. so tell me why, when i realise that i'm not religious because i don't want to be (for no particular reason, really), that i feel guilty? is it because so many around me are? I DONT KNOW. YOU TELL ME. and this doesn't just apply to religion. yet another reconciliation of old and new world, old and new beliefs, and just plain old how-the-hell-do-i-rationalise-this. i can't. i'm just a parrot, repeating dull old tired saws that i heard before.

and no, i don't understand anything. and i don't know what i want. and no, i don't know my stand on anything any more, not after the whole recent barrage of "oh everybody does it" on all topics from premarital sex to [insert vice of your choice"] and at what price popularity and fame and the flippancy of it all and...GRRYYYAAAH.

i want cuddles. just plain cuddles, no strings attached.
see, i'm heading into "physical comfort" only, how shallow. ok this is just me metaphorically speaking, i hope. it's quite a bit more with mr ducky.

ARGH LEAVE ME ALONE, BRAIN.
(although it's been doing that for quite a while now, so hah.)

so it's the third day of freedom, and i don't know what i'm doing. fell down today running for the bus, and it's telling that the buggers walking in front of me turned around, but didn't stop to help. not that i needed it, but it would have been nice to know that singaporeans actually were considerate.

but then people on the bus restored my faith in humanity, so that's ok.

had frantic search for passport, and i must say my room has never been so thoroughly ransacked. it looked even messier -after- the search, if that were possible. like a hurricane went through it. mr ducky dropped by unexpectedly. mr ducky was amazed. we [heart] mr ducky.


tired.

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
-- Will Rogers

HAHAHAAHHAHAHA

in other words, looks like al-zarqawi is dead again. but strangely, as i saw the report and heard it beamed over the newsroom, i felt inexplicably..not happy..approving. in a way. like how i felt when i heard israel and palestine were starting a ceasefire. i have this strange interest/affinity with middle eastern affairs, so any progress in the morass of blame and mistakes is good news to me.

so on j's last day, we did silly things. like um dancing the third acjc mass dance because it played on itunes, which led to us filming the damn thing and setting it to music. suffice it to say, that if anyone wishes to dance the third acjc mass dance and needs a reference, i have one. of two flailing girls. hur.

ai she's gone. :( and left her stuck frog box and feng shooey candles and things behind. but she'll be back hur.

on the bright side, mr ducky's out. well, sitting on the bed, but metaphorically speaking, he's out.

no i'm making no sense to myself too.

OMG i'm getting my mac from tufts. for the price of a 1.83gig macbook here, i get the 2gig one. SERIOUSLY.

and the difference between the starting macbook pros? oh, about FIVEHUNDREDANDFIFTYDOLLARS.

i am getting a sexy hotass mac. mr ducky approves.

mmmm.

THISISTEHCOOLSCHIZER i mean, wow. its so funkybohoartsyartdecorish. che fun.


and GRR someone's spraying air freshner around which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't smell like issey

gnyaarrrrr.

i find it ironic that the word alcohol is derived from arabic.

and i was going to post this up a while back but i forgot: stephen colbert's bush-smackdown result really exemplified tom lehrer's position that you can't do political satire any more because it's all become true. like awarding the nobel prize to kissinger.

have thing in eye. may be scratch, may be foreign body lodged in there.

makes me think of spacesuits stuck in there in their classic stiff-spaceman pose. for some reason

learned new word: pranged. as in, "he pranged his mother's car, so they got a new one."

i love it.

and had so much fun playing uno and mad magazine game and i've never laughed so hard.

and um dad had his ear torn up. cartilage was showing. blood everywhere. i hear this from my mom. now his ear was cut and stitched up in such a way that it's pointy and smaller than the other ear :
go daddy.

mm sleep. want cuddles.

this kicks ass.

and whenever i see models i think - ribs. too skinny.

hur so chee siok chin is appealing the election results a la thailand on the basis that the elections "were not free and fair". hohoho. 100 bucks says they won't win. no, actually. 10 peanuts says they won't win.

and i will be leaving this shores on aug 22. gods. its not sinking in.

whatthesamhill. makes no sense. how the hell do people spam tag boards????

utilising little girls isthe most insidious and devilish marketing ploy ever known to mankind. you could avoid them by looking straight ahead, but they come up to you and go "please will you buy cookies??" and you go "crap. okay" and watch your cash spirit out of your wallet. in 2 meetings they cleaned me out of 25 bucks. power.

in other thoughts:

"Repression, Sir, is a habit that grows. I am told it is like making love - it is always easier the second time! The first time there may be pangs of conscience, a sense of guilt. But once embarked on this course with constant repetition you get more and more brazen in the attack. All you have to do is to dissolve organizations and societies and banish and detain the key political workers in these societies. Then miraculously everything is tranquil on the surface. Then an intimidated press and the government-controlled radio together can regularly sing your praises, and slowly and steadily the people are made to forget the evil things that have already been done, or if these things are referred to again they're conveniently distorted and distorted with impunity, because there will be no opposition to contradict."

--Lee Kuan Yew as an opposition PAP member speaking to David Marshall, Singapore Legislative Assembly, Debates, 4 October, 1956

hmm.

WA SI HOKKIEN LANG!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *falls off chair and dies laughing*

this so kicks ass.

i went home at three last night, wending my way through silently watching desks that waited for their owners to come and Feed Me, the hungry press. i padded outside in my slippers that muttered "tak, tak" with every two steps i took, i flailed for a taxi and gabbled my way home, watching light0dark0light flash past in the zoetropeic manner it does. i saw a police car, and idly wondered about sugarcoatedcandynights where people jerk around in mindless abandon, and get pulled over for weaving their way home. today i wake up latelatelater than i wanted to, and conspiracies abounded to keep my from my job, which when i got there i found i utterly didn't need. and my phlegm is back again, a product of late nights and later wishes (i did say three, didn't i?)

and so i'm sick and cold. i curled up in a vacated chair for the body warmth and breathed me in again and again, recycling air and taking up smaller space. and this feeling is fading and fading, in smaller circles, and i shall stop

wow. seems like even the party hates some of the top brass too. and i thought the mouthpiece of the party was anti-establishment.

elections five years from now will be very very interesting. VERY interesting. i think whatever they do now can't salvage the fact that they're slipping. slowly, but surely. the old guard is moving out, and the new cynical smart alecks are moving in.

but i'd only vote for the ssf really :D

i've never seen the sky roiling before, light grey upon dark, flaring white in nanoseconds that you can't really say for sure until it's over and your eyes hurt a bit. but when you're on the roof and you're staring at the sky falling over itself in fury and the thunder doesn't stop but keeps sounding like godzilla's on a rampage at the container shipyard and knocking over those huge iron boxes, well, you feel a thrill. and now i know why people are scared of storms.

i think the fact that i actually understand all this should probably make me more than a little worried. but its just so...ridiculously amusing. it's the kind of light humour you get when no one is taking the damn thing seriously and everyone knows it. kinda like casual dating or something.

truthsearch: As a Pastafarian I'm offended by this immitation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's a blatant mockery of all I find sacred. I demand reparations!
----------
scooter.higher: But this is no mockery! This is an homage... a show of support from the scientific community that they too have been touched by His Noodly Appendage.

They just wanted to be touched more often :-)
----------
Winlin: While I agree with your sentiments, I believe you may have overlooked the most important word in the original post...'reparations' So let's see some outrage, now. I know I have been offended by this invention to the tune of, easily, $500,000.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'll go back to work now.

have you seen what is happening in palestine? have you? because of your deep seated need to punish hamas, you've overreached yourself. because you think economic sanctions will hurt those who make the decisions, because you wish democracy to run your way and dance to your tune you cut off funding. and look what happens. the top brass doesn't suffer. it's the people. and you say humanitarian aid gets through, but you haven't told us what humanitarian aid is, and of course you're not going to any time soon, what with your domestic crisis and all.

and the supreme irony? you say this will force hamas to bow down and accept israel and stop terrorist attacks and this will be a panacea, a solution to all your problems. maybe it will. only then will it be justified, and even then only barely. but what if it's not? palestinians know they're being "punished for their vote for hamas", i quote, from mr ismail siam in the article. what if this only proves to them the inability of the world to accept them for what they are, for their choice? what if this turns them towards hamas? makes them more accepting of the radicalism and the fanaticism and the death that will ensue, because this is the only way they will get their voice heard, and their basic needs met? what if they accede to holding the world hostage? and they just might, because they have nothing to lose.

and yet, i suppose there's no other way, in the minds of our world leaders. apparently waiting it out is not an option, letting democracy and stability change the minds of the people isn't an option. second chances don't figure in the global world policy. everyone seems to want to go down in history as "the one who stopped the war", "the one who save the middle east and possibly the world", remembered for their peace efforts and get a nobel prize. this may not be true, but any surprises why i'm so embittered and cynical with the whole thing? like the recent elections and the night watch, truth, democracy, freedom and love are all very well, but i'm more sure of getting a hard boiled egg with soldiers in the morning.

thing you probably never knew before: rhubarb means altercation, fight, argument, tiff..

yeah, i didn't know either. that's what crosswords do to you. they're very intuitive though.

so i'm looking at the IN selection of letters that complain about the singapore university system. they're worried that foreigners are taking the places of singaporeans, what with the low fees they have to pay, the high proportion of foreign students in singaporean universities and whatnot.

while i can see where they're coming from, i can't help but feel uneasy at how they phrase this, and the ramifications of what will happen if they get their way and singaporeans get preferential treatment. i suppose that because we have so few universities, its kind of hard to guarantee tertiary education for everyone in singapore who wants it, but from their tone of voice, it sounds like they're advocating positive discrimination for singaporeans who want tertiary and post-tertiary education. and that's not always a good thing.

it's probably me, though. i can hardly refute their claims that certain schools have gone so far overboard as to reserve slots for foreign students...i don't really know, see. but that's up to the school, i guess. though i wonder what's happened to meritocracy - do we accept the best of the best, or do we practice affirmative action (either way, for foreigners or for locals)?

the reason why this is bothering me so much is probably because i'm having second and third thoughts about going to the us. of course i want to go. dammit, 3-4 years in the us is definately appealing, and studying with some of the brightest minds in IR? i salivate at the thought (metaphorically speaking). but the cost. the cost. i don't know if my parents really can afford it, or they're just saying it to stop me worrying, or something. it's scary. and i'm not exactly paying my way, as it were. i mean, i'll be taking a job, but how far will that help? and of course, no scholarship means they're bearing all the burdern.

and bloody hell, tufts is expensive.

man he could have just given it away. ah who'm i trying to kid. this is more fun ;D

polling day tmr, and i'm working w0-0t.

oh and the pap is doing their attacking of key opp figures while tackling bread and butter issues, says afp. so it's interesting they've not whacked sylvia lim, who would appear to be the biggest fish.

had interesting talk with nat about singapore politics and straits times and sph and things. just stuffing them here so they can ferment in my brain without being lost. it kinda included: sph and gomezgate, media control, opposition in singapore and their uphill playing field, the ministers with ears on ground and those without, those who can't touch bases with real people, and the poor and the destitute. hmm.

ogay screw this actually i do know i'm dissatisfied and just "notquitethere yet" and just perpetually sleepy and something and SHIT i know not quite why. i think its a factor of things. but i do know how to solve it.

unfortunately i can't quite solve it just yet. #@)%(&!(*@%^!&@%^)( @*%_*#)

so everyone thinks i'm sick or bothered or something's bugging me beyond belief. i dunno. i think i'm just in apathetic mode. i'm just cruising and wondering how i'll last out the week that comes.

ran today. feel better, a bit.

no-cake-week lasted all of one day.

no energy to comment on politics. suffice it to say i think pap is clutching at straws and wp is handling it not bad and sda is a one man party and sdp is a circus.

there is a tissue box stealer in the office. mine disappeared over the weekend. i assume if you leave them around they'll disappear after 3 days >.<

in any case. brought cheese dip to work today. in the immortal words of sam, he is going to "grow fat and die". hur.

does kueh lapis count as a cake or a "kueh", i.e. not a cake? this is for the purposes of testing sam's resolve (which has already failed so nyeh).

my goodness i have nothing useful to say. apart from the frisbee (WHICH PWNS SO MUCHLY) and the line tower wars (which others got pwned at) and the current multiple rallies being broadcast around the newsroom and the confirmed-guaranteed-plus-chop-situation which completely cracks me up. its gonna come back to bite me in the ass, i just KNOW it.

only one person is gonna understand this shit, which is kind of scary.

on a side note, two #%(*&!@ weeks, bloody hell.

musing of the moment - rallies on loudspeakers are noisy and indistinct and irritating because i can't understand. it's like english through the water.
music of the moment - oscar peterson - corcovado
mood of the moment - gwa?

i have officially confirmed the validity of the marking-point "when sonia knows". it just means when every damn body knows. i'm so blur i can't see jack shit even when it's wearing a bright fluorescent neon pink and green tutu and dancing the can can in front of my eyes.

wake up, sonia, wake up. >.<

you know what would be interesting? opposition contests tanglin and win, and our pm ends up living in an opposition ward.

but that's not happening. although he IS fighting a ward, so that makes for news.

as usual, mm doesnt have to fight. hur. :P

staying late again, hmm-mm-mmmm-mm-hmm (a la donkey in shrek).

i'm STUCK on CODE MONKEY!!! it's damn cute!!!
reminds me of someone :P

oh and i just found out the picture was drawn by jawboneradiodudes. they rule.

and no, the bolded lines don't mean anything. i just love them.

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
Code Monkey have boring meeting
With boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
But his output stink
His code not functional or elegant
What do Code Monkey think?

Code Monkey think maybe manager wanna write goddamn login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy just proud

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
Big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey hang around at front desk
Tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
Bring you cup bring you ice

You say no thank you for the soda cuz
Soda make you fat
Anyway you busy with the telephone
No time for chat

Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle
He sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
Big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you lots

Code Monkey have every reason
To get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
See your soft pretty face

Much rather wake up eat a coffee cake
Take bath take nap
This job fulfilling in creative way
Such a load of crap

Code Monkey think some day he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday somehow

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
Big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you

music of the moment - jonathon coulton - code monkey (couldn't you guess.)
mood of the moment - hungryyy.

code monkey! another love :)

have new love: tommy emmanuel. because:
beautiful. i love the chords. and the harmonics near the end...
amazing. watch the right hand picking.

when looking in the fridge for fruits and snacks, i saw a box of what looked like fried cockroaches. turned out to be the strange fried thai shrimp thing that was going for 10 bucks at funorama and we bought from thailand. :\ weird.

with the pond up and the plants in we're being inundated by frogs. the lotus is blooming (beautifully), and the frogs keep going "krrk-krrk-krrk-krrk" repetitively speeded up like so many stutterers and then they stop, uncannily, just stop. and there is silence. for 1 minute.

and there's one who keeps making his way back onto the partition between the upper and lower pond. we have no idea how he gets there. he just does. bizarre.

my aunt put it rather succintly: "every time there's an election, we get lawsuits."

and it's pretty ironic that where i'm working, i get an inside view of the "pap's mouthpiece", and they're almost as anti-establishment as the normal man on the street or your average taxi driver.
and yet, i hear almost daily the diatribes on media control [hur]. not that i'm vituperous or anything. i just find it inherently amusing, for some strange reason. i realise i find many many things amusing, even though they may not be so. ok, ok, maybe more "ironically amusing", to quantify it better.

well, some of the taxi drivers i know and talked to, and the normal [perhaps bourgoise?] man on the street who doesn't have to worry about where his next meal's coming from and can afford to worry about such idea[l]s as truth, justice, and a hard boiled egg [pratchett, for those who didn't get it]. with soldiers.

how inadvertantly apt. and no, i don't know how to spell inadvertantly, like i don't know how to spell bourgoise properly [i needed help for this one]. on a side note, inadverdantly sounds like what you get when you don't tend your garden for a few years.

maybe i should enter that into the washpost invitationals.

remember, you saw it here first.

...such a fine sight to see:
it's a girl my lord
in a flat bed ford
slowing down to take a look at me..

i've always loved those lines Ü

hey babe.
take a walk on the wide side.

mood of the moment - cynically amused
music of the moment - the eagles - take it easy
- lou reed - take a walk on the wild side

go here and do somethingood. GO NOW.

new car! new car! so COOL!! :D

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TEH WIN!!11 NO WAI!!111one

i have been slowly killing myself (in a good way) thanks to the marvels of the washington post's style invitational archive. some good stuff:

multi-purpose store names:
Optician/cleaners/shoe store: See, Spot, Run (Jennifer Lynch, Waco, Tex.)
Doors at a delousing center/oyster farm: Nit: 1; Pearl: 2 (Chris Doyle)
Singles bar and doughnut shop: A Toroid Affair (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

new words:
Occupotion: That afternoon coffee that gets you through the rest of the day. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
Scienara: A rejection of reason and evidence. "The Kansas Board of Education said scienara to evolution." (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.)
Oxymorose: Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Oopsnoxious: Said of someone who "accidentally" bumps into women at a bar. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)
Oppository: What a Labor Party MP calls a Conservative. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Ostentitious: Having Pamela Anderson-size implants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Ovareasy: A very fertile woman. (Jonathan Guberman)
Pachydermine: A fat lady in a fur coat. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Placcid: Soft and limp, but okay about it. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Parsehole: One who constantly interrupts a friend to correct their grammar. Excuse me, his grammar. (Brendan Beary)
Pastriarchy: The upper crust. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
Punchkins: The little circles you pop out of paper to put it in a binder. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)
Perfidiot: Someone who's both a backstabber and a moron. (Brendan Beary)
Rabbinicate: When a Jewish mother lectures. What, you thought she'd be pontificating? (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA
Ragony: Menstrual cramps. (Tom Witte)
Remedius: The return of a driving salute. (Helen and Paul Stone, Silver Spring) - awyeah
Rectomb: A big soft cushion for parking your butt. (Stephen Dudzik)
Rhinoblasty: A punch in the nose. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)
Sabbratical: What a schoolteacher needs every now and then. (Tom Witte)
Shoddenfreude: The perverse pleasure one gets at seeing someone break a heel of her $400 Manolos in a heating grate. (Chris Doyle)
Sanitarry: To spend too much time in the lavatory. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Snideways: How one sneers at merlot-drinkers. (Tom Witte)
Stirruptitiously: How a gal got out of trouble before Roe v. Wade. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Sudokuku: Addicted to filling in numbers in little grids. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Swain't: An ex-boyfriend. (Tom Witte)

eulogies to:
Elmer Dresslar Jr., voice of the Jolly Green Giant
His ho-ho-hos were said with ease;
It's fitting that he rest in peas.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Robert Hunter, founder of Greenpeace
Bob Hunter has gone to his final repose;
From cancer his health had been failing.
His passing was marked by his friends and his foes,
Respectively weeping and whaling.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Robert Moog, pioneer of electronic music and the inventor of the Moog synthesizer
NnnnOOOWWWW
yyyoooouuuu'''rrrrrre
ddddEEEEEaaadddddd.
PITTI-pitti-pitti-pitti-pitti . . .
(Jeff Brechlin)

ahh just go check it out. its hilarious.
sam hates me now, for giggling at my screen and distracting him with stupid messages.

vicarious is such a strange word.

vi·car·i·ous
adj.
1. Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another: e.g. read about mountain climbing and experienced vicarious thrills.
2. Endured or done by one person substituting for another: vicarious punishment.
3.
a. Acting or serving in place of someone or something else; substituted.
b. Committed or entrusted to another, as powers or authority; delegated.
4. Physiology. Occurring in or performed by a part of the body not normally associated with a certain function.

meh?

eeeyah. so i haven't been posting (in a dereliction of duty). just seems like a lack of things to post, so i shall put up LINGS, or links to things.

okay, okay. its a typo. in any case:

haveyouseenthisbunnyitisHUGE
till death do us PWN
REALLY big photoshop
go to the nodwick shirts. i'm in ur base killing ur d00ds. i want.
and the eyechart should be used in singapore. i mean, think of all the sudden decreases in myopia we'd have.

heehee what with all the stuff on taxis i've been doing, we should probably look to the economist for answers.

anyways. not much posts, because me lazy >.< about the few things i can think to post up right now are:
1. i lost and found my favourite pair of jeans. yes, i can lose laundry. rather i found it in my aunts car boot. *boggle* go sotong power.
2. we finally caught the shrew that's been hiding under the washing machine. i dont remember if i've posted this, but we failed to catch it the last time...this time i was eating dinner on wednesday, and suddenly i felt something scrabbling on my pantsleg. so i lift it up. and it goes "scweeek!!". i move it again and it scrabbles again and goes "SCRWEEEK!!".

so i grab my calf and yell for dad. who takes his own sweet time to get upstairs >.< suffice it to say it ran into the small bathroom and my dad pushed me inside, said "throw the towel on it" and shut the door. >.< i think he's scared of the shrew. i spun around trying to catch it so many times i got dizzy. in the end i dropped the dustbin over it.

and then dad had to release it out of the house. the last time us 4 kids did it we went all the way to the foot of the hill to release it near the drain.

dad just stepped out of the side gate and let it go. >.< and he calls us idle.

meh this is the first time in a long while i've not had to chase deadlines...i'm in the blessed state of limbo where i dont need to freak out, work late, or rush stuff. sure, i have work, but i just haven't started them yet so they aren't really hanging over my head.

bleah.

i don't know if you know this, but i never intended for it to happen. at all. it just did, and then it became a case of dealing with the situation, rather than stopping the avalanche. you know why it took so long? it's because i feared something like this would happen. ironic.

so d isn't going to continue with work anymore, because her family thinks she's wasting her time here, her boyfriend thinks she's wasting her time here, her old form teacher gave her a piece of his mind for wasting her time here, her friends think she's wasting her time here..well..i don't know. poor girl. she's too nice. it's bloody hard to do this job already, the hours aren't easy, but it must be so much harder to go to work each day with disapproval at your back, and come home to pieces of minds floating around unsaid.
so this is a hug for her *hugs*

i guess the job's ok. the people make it fun :D don't know how it'll be when we get back, if we get back. things change...i dunno. tufts looks like it's gonna be fun, if our theories are anything to go by. although it would be good to make a clean break from the past, i guess it's not so bad to have people i know, specially if i don't particularly want to break off.

its a good thing i'm not hormonal now. i've had to break off recently. i miss fudge. thursday was just...convenient. i became available. now...ahh. i don't know. i'm resigned to demonisation, gods know i deserve it. there're many things i could explain, but i can't now. you're not listening anyway. its all over, and its so ironic it's ridiculous. most of the irony lies with me i'm afraid. there are so many layers that i couldn't even begin to explain, because there's no starting point. so i'm resigned to this outcome, i'm not surpised, although i hoped. have cake, will eat.
on a side note, working here can screw your mind up badly:
after a phone interview:
"its not just that he's had sex. he was sec 2. and gay."
"i am really really really not listening to you right now." head under jacket, hands over jacket over ears and constantly fiddling with jacket so i really can't hear a thing
my head almost literally exploded. that horrific.

this hurts. i'm in the office, and by now i'd have called you and dragged you from your house and we'd be eating dinner and talking. but i can't.

how'm i supposed to survive august.

have you heard of the gospel of judas? not the damned novel, please. i'm talking about the AD300 one, copied down in coptic. the one that's part of codex tchacos

the one that portrays judas as human.

""In the text, Jesus challenges his disciples to look at him and understand what he really is, though they turn away. In a key passage, he tells Judas that "you will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.' ''


i want to read this gospel. i want to humanise the bible that i see.

so i'm up tonight, it's latelatelate, but as i told the Other Aspect in the depths of my mind, i'm up tonight to get things down, because more should come from my mouth than the mucoid yellow goop and blood and airy fairy blasteds, and things should be set down in pixels.

ironic. it starts in blood, swirls around in blood, and ends in blood. from the journey to my bed yesterday, that i was too tired to put down, to now. for one, i expected more relief when salvation came, but nothing. nothing. just a note, then nothing. a dot, a full stop. maybe because more important things had supplanted it, but.

other things i remembered on the road to my bed:
whenever i leave the office, i have to step out to the lift lobby. one has been shut up the whole day, for ever, and the air conditioning accumulates cold. the other has not been shut up, it's open to the car park, tucked to one side along the corridor from the slumbering autos like a lurking alley that never felt menacig. the air is cold there - something is cold there - and much of my subconscious teeth-gritting and shivering stems from there. and i grit my teeth to stop from coughing, from ripping the back of my throat out (as i do so often these two days), i do it so much i hurt my temples, i throb in mute and enforced repression.
but today, today, i failed, and i wondered at the gob of phlegm spat onto my fingers because i couldn't keep it in my mouth (like a live oyster it felt like). and it looked like a small yellow oyster, nestled between my third finger and second, a jaundiced rajah indicative of how low i'd fallen. too sick, too sick, i say, and it glistens at me in reply as i wash it down the sink almost reverently, never really seeing what colour it is.
and the next day, today, i cought up a bright yellow brain, flecked with blood.

too much bearnaise sauce, too much chicken, just too much. a waste, a waste, a waste screams my mind as the explosion of water blasts the clinging yellow mustard away into cloudy emulsions coating the sink and clogging the greedy drain that surfeits.


and then its the second day, and i wake up to find that blood has been spilt this night. funny how these things work out, no? i take off to take a break, and i merely become available to be the centre of the universe again, the dead, unshakeable centre.
and its tragic. its tragic that after ten years, one fucking aneurysm can stop EVERYTHING. it was supposed to be happy. good.

its not fair. its not fair. i DONT HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT BUT I DO. ninth of may. sixth of april. it'll push back, and back, and back until i back off the cliff edge, maybe.

i'm not going through it again. i'd take the pain, if i could, but that would make you less human. and hell, who am i to know what to do, to say, to act?

and one of the hardest things to ever say was to her, to tell her i betrayed her. it may not be completely over, but its a start.

perhaps once a month or so i get these poetic, word-dribbling spells. hypersensitive mode. maybe this was brought on by babel tower. its wearing off now though, it could be the sleep i need. i cannot remember what i was going to say.

but before i go, i know two things. one: that i feel again. the frisson, the life that i have been missing. i know i'm alive again, when i breathe and my breath catches, when i turn, and i see you looking at me in that way, when i stop talking because of that shivery cold mercury feeling [and cold mercury is right. its poison, what this feeling is], when feather-touches raise imaginary burns.
this is my religion, the one of three that few believe in, though many believe in its ideal, their idol. hah, i pontificate. but i believe now, i have balloon-wings, i touch the earth lightly, and only you can catch me now.

and leon put out a candle tonight, an almost-votive offering. to him it means something, to me, something else. i wonder: does he know why he put it out? did some sort of telepathy induce him to put it there? in any case, its one small light out there, beyond the glass, and it says more than any word could say about what i want and feel right now.

my words have deserted me. i feel numb.

i have heard it said,
that the coats were red,
so that the blood of wounds should be hidden.