i am a walking mucus machine. how can one nose produce so much snot?!?!

in other words, i have discovered that the ability of the mouth to multitask is severely limited by your nose. talking and eating is fine. talking and breathing is fine. breathing and eating isn't. obviously breathing, eating and talking isn't.

needless to say i nearly suffocated during dinner.

as of tonight, i have taken no less than 4 different types of medicine. my table is so full of tissue paper i can't even find my volume control. someone called up and thought i was my brother. i have pw tomorrow, and i'm a walking chemical factory. joy of joys. and it's cold.

don't we all love to pity ourselves.

am pissed at results. ok, i'm pissed at me.

but am not too bad off because finally found the funky soundtrack. so i think i've saved myself from eternal damnation.

i'm running on empty, and this is my will, because it feels like the last thing i'll ever write. you know you're tired when you cannot take even the littlest things, when a disappointment can mean a battle with tears that you are on the brink of losing, and a loss of your humanity. not the humanity of compassion, that is something you must never lose (but still do, at some point), but the humanity of yourself, the little bit that makes you you. the walking death lives, it does, and you know it. society says elsewise we are changing the system, changing it such that no one will ever feel pain, the burden of work, the pressure to conform, the depth of death and the meaning of life. kahlil gibran got it right, and the only other one i have ever seen to understand is orson scott card. how do you think ender felt, destroying the enemy he loved? how do you feel, when the enemy is you? and all thise while i understood, really understood, but the sham that i am (the suess that i was) knows i left that long ago.

i grew up, i guess. no more playing in gardens with the sun, waiting for the prince and the plum to come up from the depths of the pool, carried by two copper orbs that blinked at me and waited for my response. to kiss or not to kiss, and i chose the path less travelled. it made the difference. regret? i think not. i forgot the sun, the moon and the stars in my hubris - it is hubris now, that i write this. it was the pride that scoffed at my fall, and it was the broken relics that i picked up from the bottom of the cliff, where elijah cast me for failing them (he held not his hands - his sons ran away to the battle and both fell, and for that he cast his staff out, no more, no more.). the passage to the burning bush is long and narrow, and i have lost my sandals (no need to take them off now, then!), and the ember has died.

it is sad to note that we can never pity those greater than ourselves, only aspire to. and yet, who needs more pity? pity is an indulgence that we can have, being able to concentrate on such a "need" for the "compassion" we all live for, the farce that stops you from remembering and learning, for the knowledge that "someone understands me, somebody does". no more time for them, no more. ruthlessness is the way to go, to live, to survive.

but algernon taught us something to. the quality of mercy is not strained; it drippeth as the gentle rain from heaven onto the ground beneath, it is twice blessed - it blesseth him that giveth, and him that recives, the crown of kings, the scepter of authority, and weak and the strong pay it both, and a thousand deaths are a mere statistic, but one, for one the hero stops, for it is a tragedy. weep not for me - i am presumptious in presuming i deserve it, for the thought to cross my mind is mere self-censure the minilove will get you, minitruth will eat you alive!, but for yourself, because you cannot save your own until you understand, but vincent, oh vincent, they never did, and they never will.

these days have been an education into the mentality of little prebubescent boys. i get home after fun class dinner, and the first thing i hear is "there's a snake in dad's room". so far so good. ok. maybe dad's slightly afraid of snakes. but that's fine - he's a big boy, he can handle it. then: "we tried to use a hamster to lure it out".

i suppose it's logical, but what part of "snakes eat hamsters" and "snakes are fast" dont you understand????

in anycase, managed to fufil our nkf criteria of "do not embarrass the school by having it host a round without it's own team in it" and "do not lose to scgs". lost to uwc, but that's ok. we'll survive. yesterday's debates were crappy - i dont wanna ever have to do something of that standard EVER again. but today's was not too bad. so i'm happy: it wasn't a washout. good enough. and we've the rest of the week free.

on another note. do not conduct pw in a room full of computers and more specifically computer games. bad for concentration.

on the same note. screw. i have pw.

i fucked up my promos.

gods know how i did it. i think it was complacency, arrogance and cockiness. everything gets ladled to me on a silver platter i forget what a spoon is for.

so today i try to outrun my mistakes during training. i think i could have run forever, just so i could forget my demons, to keep the wind blowing in my ears to block out the sounds of my guilt and people discussing grades. self-disappointment is the hardest to take, and the most necessary.

i feel human. but you need to be superhuman.

friday was an almost epiphanic rach 2. i had a lot to say about it, but now i don't have that much. while it wasn't perfect, it was better than the other 2 i've heard before. the sso still has this annoying habit of drowning out the soloist. apart from the shostakovich no. 5, which was fascinating (hear the second movement). the third movement was very...vivid. i could see images...*shiver*

and the exams are over. somehow i don't feel very relieved. i think it's the oppressive feeling that you get when you KNOW you've screwed up but you dont know just HOW badly.

well, i'm back.

You are ...on crack.


What Breed of Hamster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

mwahahahha. FWAAAAAAAH.

"The other great blot on American democracy—redistricting—has already made a nonsense of elections to Congress...In 2002, four out of five congressmen won their races by more than 20 points. This is because most states allow their politicians to determine the boundaries. The result is gerrymandering on a grotesque scale, with incumbents stitching up safe seats by drawing absurd districts that look like doughnuts, sandwiches and Rorschach tests."

WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!! sounds familiar? i live in a doughnut!

y'know, in the fine tradition of slackers, i shall outsource a revolution. i will get fanatics from the poor developing countries and get them to be my army and overthrow a government or invade and conquer my own island and usher in a realm of despotism and benevolence.

or i could just do my work.

blogsurfing can be pretty depressing.

well, rather i go around and see people making differences in others' lives, discussing, using brain cells for more meaningful things than regurgitating dead facts for a forgotten wasteland of learning, and i wonder, what the hell am I doing. i mean, i just sit here on the chair and feel like a potato on plastic, maybe a guilty one for eating too much and currently feeling stuffed (haha, would you believe it, with potatoes. me cannibal.) and also for not doing work when promos are barely 18 days away. and there are people living and influencing others and discussing and retrospecting and navel-gazing (i dont know if that's a good thing. dont really care somehow) and here's me working at being slob of the year. and now i'm feeling stupid and guilty for whining. blearGH.

i feel like the jack of all friends and master of none. in more ways than one.

and i wonder WHY i keep blogging when i feel guilty for whining. it's like those weird drama serials or things where someone suddenly says that "doesn't this seem like we're in a recurring drama serial?"
if the world's a taproom, the drinks and jokes are on me.

story time: i was walking along orchard road when this guy comes up to me and says "you know, your eyebrows need plucking. i'm steven lim the famous eyebrow plucker and you can see me in this article *gestures to big blown up poster of newspaper article*...etc". all this delivered at breakneck speed. so i say no thanks and get the hell out of there. not that i have anything against the guy, just that i'm not used to getting told i need a sudden facial hair trimming.

and then i saw www.stevenlim.net. my eyes my EYES. gods i need to scrub my history. and my hard disk. and my retinas. they BURNNN with horror at the invasion of the ego. it was the photos. *twitch*.

anyways. PIANO EXAM OVER. phew. nearly had a seizure through the waiting. the actual thing wasn't too bad, it was the torture of anticipation, the ice-cold feeling you get when your brain comes up with much, much worse tortures than what could possibly happen to you within the bounds of the geneva conventions. but it's over. so yay.

i have a bright orange fender and 2andahalf cups of beer. this is a relatively good day. as long as you don't mention the 4 more days to go LALALALALAAAA WHAT ARE YOU SAYING....

and have also come to the conclusion that all kids (no, wait. children keep the grammar alive) have to go through a little period of "obnoxious-know-it-all-ism" when you desperately need to prove to others that you do know something of the world and aren't the ignorant sod others think you are and probably still do. ironically, in shooting the mouth off, you just end up looking like a bigger and more pathetic sod instead of the other way around. and why do i ruminate on this like a cow chewing a particularly unpleasant cud? because i think i'm regressing. it's either me, or everyone else around me, and i'd rather stick with the less depressing aspect thank you very much.

i think it's the twoandahalf beers.

i hate being sick. the worst is over, but my throat feels like it's been scrubbed by radioactive wire wool, my nasal passages have been used to test extremely corrosive substances and my headaches, well, i can't even begin to describe the pain when the headaches come. you know how they tell you that your head is "two sizes too small" or "stabbing pains"? they dont even come close to the lightning flashes of agony if you move too fast. i dont walk - i lurch. when it's a good hour, i waddle. when it's not, don't ask. when i cough, my whole body decides to join in the fun. hooray for utter negativity. and i wasted my day, how's that.

this has probably been a total waste of your time. unless you enjoy whinging, or are a sadist.

here and gone...

poof.

i typed in a livejournal addy and recieved a cheerful message telling me that "This livejournal has been deleted and purged." deleted, and purged. what an interesting word. carries the connotation of utter, complete and final eradication of a plague that scourges your lands/health/insert-noun-here. of course, it was a typo. but still. what a way to go. probably a word used by dictators ("let us purge the world of !!!!!") and religious fanatics ("death to the infidels! we shall smite them and purge them from our lands! yaar!!!"). compare the exclamation marks and tell me who's saner.

ahmigawd. ja yin tan tetra janjanjan quildë quildë el hethra melindo nwalya-aini tulin rámalóké tulin tulin tulin.

i'm feeling very rach 2 adagio tonight.

woooo. my dad is too fit. biking 45 km is no sweat for him, while the rest of the family straggles and struggles behind him.

i am envious and mildly disgusted :P

and ndp was fun. what a gathering :P

ahmigawd. shocute!

i am running on empth. zero, nada, zilch and sheer oompth thanks to adrenaline fuelled by fear of failure. i am dei-fied, and make what you[r] will of that. 5 minutes to touchdown, and i'm flying on the fumes of the fire they built to roast me alive. it's nice to look down on the blaze and watch the bonfire of work spiral up to the ceiling, but that's a stupid thing to do when it's up to your ears. watch the teachers do a tribal dance around the sacrifice, with tea and cakes all round after it. and after all that, it's time to go headhunting.

spot the allusions, 5 cents a guess.