""...because these wings are no longer wings to fly
but merely vans to beat the air..''
-Ash Wednesday, T.S. Eliot

i like his name. its so unpretentious, no double letters, nothing.

i will read this on ash wednesday. not for the religiosity [you (should) know me too well for me to do that], but for the poem, the words. you could create a religion out of words. spread the word, send it round.

it's good for your soul.

and now i leave the office. mindsouldrone,iam.

..because you have the capacity for forgiveness! for empathy! because you don't leave him in the lurch, because he's gone through so much more than you have! that's why you stand and clap and cheer for him, because you pity him. i wonder. how many clap and cheer because they feel sorry, and how many clap and cheer because they're inspired by someone trying to make the best of what he has?

because i remembered pablo neruda.

Sonnet XVII
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

i'm sitting in the office and feeling ebullient, without the happiness. i feel heavy yet detached, the others sitting behind the partition and talking in a varigated liquid murmur of sound do not seem to register. i haven't been registering words. people talk to me, and somehow the words don't register. i hear the rhythm, the pitches, the syllables (if it's a good minute), but i cannot string them together into meaning. maybe i'm too tired. its scary, my brain is degenerating, i think. i don't know what i'm saying any more.

i'm supposed to write articles, but in the mood i'm in i cannot. i doubt they'll appreciate moody, melancholic, sardonic, cavalier writing, the type of broody writing you get when your face is locked into a ground state of blatant bored numbness. i've been grinding my teeth a lot today, inadvertantly.

and i doubt i've been really performing at work recently. i think the supervisors notice. i can't think or concentrate, i can't write, and the nyaa thing yesterday was a blur of pained speech. just now when we were returning from lunch across the road, i had the fingers of my right hand pressed against my forehead, like someone's hand gripping a basketball, to hold my face onto my head. i feel like how i think soumya feels when she writes, the kind of detached observation of the world that she pens.

i feel sick. not totally incapacitated, but just over the edge of wellness. as i yawn i feel like i'm breathing out armies and swarms of germs, just ready to infect others who breathe this recycled office air. air conditioning can kill, it's so cold.

the word "resuscitation" just occurred to me, i don't know why. as did "ambivalence", and "disparation" dropped in on me with the silence from across the white partition and the sudden shrilling of the phone next to me. i talk to people, it's my job.

i've been listing to moody music too much, perhaps. brought some from home, and playing it softlysoftly on the computer. jive bunny glenn miller swing medley didn't help with the mood. maybe it's the angry-girl music we listened to on the way to work, as dawn calls it. for some reason, i'm missing my earworms. i have had no music in my blood, in my mind, in my ears for some time, and it shows, it hurts. i miss piano lessons, even the shrill drilling of my teacher's voice when i don't practice and sometimes even when i do. i miss the caress of the white and black keys, the slow smooth soothingness of polished and varnished wood, the melody that sings from her piano (not mine, i don't have enough echo to smooth out the ends). i wish i could play effortlessly, make music, not play it. but i think making music is harder, much harder, and not as flippant as playing it.

and now it's 2, and almost strangely on cue everyone suddenly floods in, all these people suddenly, at this magic minute when people end lunch and begin work. suddenly, there's noise, there's sound, and the place lives again. phones sound, mercurial murmurs blend and die away, and now it's 2.01.

tonight, i think the world is gonna end. and i'm still waiting for bloody salvation.

lucidfiction is what my random ramblings and rants attempt to emulate, although i didn't know it until now.

and you say they're just words.

few things, i guess, i wanna note:
1. political blogging frowned upon here? at least, no podcasts, videocasts about politics, what with ge coming up and all. wtf. socialism democracy of one man one vote eh? the pm the man, he got the vote yah? not that we can actually have any democratic debate anyways. nothing to debate about.

2. france vs britain, both vs race mm? from some beeb broadcast. like i said earlier, france has screwed up its way of dealing with race. it can't deal with its issues, because it doesn't even acknowledge them in the first place. by claiming "everyone has no race", they're sweeping the whole race issue under the carpet and pretending it's not there. so how do they handle the problem when muslims feel marginalised and excluded and sometimes humiliated? they don't. and you get riots and calls for acceptance go unanswered.

anyways. feel emotionally numb and drained recently. stupid decisions come with Consequences. gods.

i'm waiting for bloody salvation.

well, didn't get amherst. ironic, no? shit lah. anyways, looks like tufts for me, or uva. just annoyed because i think i shouldn't have sent promo and prelim grades, and wondering if its because they didn't send my a level grades that i didn't get it. hate it.

just really, really tired. too much thinking at night really doesn't do well for the next morning.

alright, alright. so dartmouth and williams and johns hopkins rejected me. oh well. was nice to try, would have been a nice validation (yes, we all need ego boosts ne?). so georgetown waitlisted me. think i'll stay on? dunno. but i got uva and tufts. so. decision's made? not quite. amherst? would be ironic if i didn't get it.

i'll wing retreat tonight. and tomorrow afternoon.

hokay that was just me overreacting again. NO WORRIES!!!

on a side note: eating tons of plums and who the hell's giving out my number.

ALRIGHT DAMMIT! ENOUGH ALREADY!!

geez. ah why do i care. couldn't even be bothered to leave a comment, if you're still hung up about it, man, whatever. and if you weren't even there, well, yay. HIGH moral high ground man. whoop de doo. feel self assured. as long as you're happy.

so, so ironic. barely a year after being ousted by the streets, the streets are putting yanukovich back in again. yuschenko is flailing, losing popular support, and ukraine wobbles again, trying to decide between the west and the bear. timoshenko i think will be a dark horse kinda player, power behind the throne and all. she's in second place, so surprisingly, which might provide some amusement. so there goes the orange revolution. i suppose it indicates the marvel of democracy and all, but it's just so ironically and tragically amusing. reminds me of pratchett:

"don't put your trust in revolutions. they always come around again. that's why they're called revolutions. people die, and nothing changes."
-vimes

i think.

in anycase, georgetown dumped me on the waiting list. one up, one down, five/four? shake it all around.

if i ever manage to draw properly, i wanna draw like banksy.

i get called by financial planners??????

and heh. coyote is amusing, and coyote + interns make for very hilarious...situations. and innuendos.

catching up with old friend, going home, and revisiting fresh fears. where did everyone go? drop me a note, sometime, even a whole jazz tune would be lovely.

i met my old lover friend
on the street last night
she seemed so glad to see me
i just smiled
and we talked about some old times
and we drank ourselves some beers
still crazy afler all these years
oh, still crazy after all these years

mood of the moment - fearful, pent-up prayer
music of the moment - paul simon - still crazy after all these years

wow. things happen so fast like raindrops pelting your skin. one down (UVa? should i go, or should i stay?), six to go, and fear of falling keeps me awake, amongst other things, fear of going too fast and tripping, fear of accidents. i'm going around, saying ""i don't believe myself, i don't believe i just did that'' [yes, remnants of work there] and then and then i never learn >.< the media is a bad influence, and yet, as she said, actions are amoral.

are they? is all that's saving me sophistry?

but hon, for you. the lesson of the moth, as promised. so apt, so apt,

so apt.

we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

i love archy. 'specially his maxims.

mm pirates of the caribbean is good for restoring humour.

music of the moment - rockapella - free falling
mood of the moment - swingingwhatever.

presupposition is such a wonderful thing. like suppositories.

>.<

guided missiles, and misguided men. where is the truth in that? and so i leave, in a cloud of whirlwind dust and feathers and shards, because there really isn't anything else to say. i'll implode on my own, because there's no need to take the world with me. knives in the gut, stabs in the back, trip and fall, alcohol, kitty has claws.

words drip from my mouth again, mucoid secretions that cling frantically to my lips before giving in to gravity and falling to the floor where they clump in a fragile attempt to preserve whatever small life they have.

now or later? i never wanted to pull and twist strings.

really. whatever.

wow. knife in the gut.

isn't it interesting how most of our lives are lived vicariously through pixels and bytes and text on the net. we communicate through flickers on our pale white screens, tapping emotions into keyboards, and these are things we never dare reveal to others.

like it or not, your life is ruled by others.

music of the moment - by the tapping of my thumbs/ something wicked this way comes.
mood of the moment - whatever. the cough/mucus generation is not helping.

i've blown my nose so much it's bleeding. i'm scared to do it again, lest i bust something more.

be careful what you wish for, please. there's a reason why you have to stick it out. and transatlantic rivalry right now is pretty stupid.

guh. cant say very much now, no incisive analysis (like i ever put one up). my life seems to be focused on the mundane, probably because a bad throat and bacterial thingy forces your feet back onto the ground like lead weights. i just wish the ground wasn't at the bottom of the sea, that's all. i'm not depressed or anything...just detached. or maybe still dazed and amazed.

meh.

oh gods what a weekend. WHAT a weekend. i've poured enough alcohol into my system to give my liver a workout for the next month or so, and this is the 5th week in a damn -row- i've been out late, and it just keeps getting more extreme. gods.

(on a sidenote, check out fancypants! best flash game evar. ok alongside foon.co.uk. and um, gee, this feels like playing rayman all over again Ü)

cjc thing was ok, i guess. taize and all. but throat got in the way of singing. and after that, we went out! and suddenly we ended up in zouk. as drea says: "wa. alive group. damn happening!"
which is pretty ironic. then again, we never aimed to be a church group.

and THEN. the next day, i end up playing battlefront for long hours again and end up with headache again. but btw mezebar 'sgood drinks. you pay for the presentation though. but there was a good saxophonist. after that. 9 damn drinks in 2 damn hours. ummmm...about a total of 1 shirleytemple, 1 vodkalime, 2 ginandtonics, 3 tequilapops (my new favourite Ü), a toffeetini and a half-pint of guinness. gurgh.

andthenandthenohgods.ineedsleep.

i don't want another broken body and ashes. is that too much to ask, to change your plans? must i remember another date?

sweetandsinful,you're.a.god.
you're my god. six ways to sunday, highway to hell.

well since i've just gotten most of my work cleared, let me just say i slept exactly 12 hours ago for a reason, and that reason was work. what sort of work, well, heh. *grin* it involved a projector, a xbox 360, hi-definition, quake 4, doa4, and a surround sound system. not necessarily at the same time.

SQUEEEEE.

and dad played xbox! everyone be astounded! hehe because it was need for speed: most wanted. so he got to drive a lambo left and right. very left and right :P we're borrowing a steering wheel for him :D

pity i had to return the 360 today though :( no worries.

I FOUND MY PLUM!!! hahaha well actually i forgot to eat it after my chicken dum bryani thing so now i'm biting it in place as i type. it's nice and sweet. the green plum type (i dont know what happened to the big ones, they're all hard now). nyum.

anyways. of all days to pile work on me it has to be today. xbox day. but no worries! i'm sneaking off once in a while for quake and doa :D

maybe i'll sneak more. there's the party tonight. see if alive ends soon enough.

interesting, that the most tolerant and stable of beliefs rejects beliefs. this is why i'm a religious humanist. yes, i've found my religion. nyah. and i am a defender of faiths. plural. not singular.

except for maybe one singular. the one of 3.

..six ways from sunday
and a million miles from it all.

I WANT THESE THINGS. they're just so funky.

and i'd do this to my thumbdrive only i figure it's funkier in its little rubber casing.

and they're taking the hobbits to isengard!

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, more.

wow. two bloodshot eyes were never more worth it.

XBOX 360!!!!! quake4deadoralive4needforspeedmostwantedperfectdarkzero *gasp* ninetyninenightse-mtomclancy'sghostrecon. so i started out monday with playing all those, and somehow or the other i've ended up reviewing the first 3. woah. i foresee my lunch hours receding into the far, far distance as we spend hours at the xbox360 corner in the office. hurhurhur Ü

and the best bit? it's all under "work". *does very happy dance*

and then it was all the way to admiralty (in woodlands!!) for debate stuff, then it was all the way back to serene for APPLEPIEICECREAM at island creamery. good grief it tastes like the apple pie leon makes at home. AWYEAH. with DIGESTIVE BITS and frozen APPLES. bliss. then it was to adam road for food! ok, so we did it the other way around, dessert before dinner. but it was good stuff.

and then it was chillout@tcc. with a honey latte, because my throat had been getting steadily worse for some unknown reason. yes, they have honey lattes. 'sgoodstuff. and then bumming around and pottering around chip bee gardens.

i perpetually get lucky >.< ran into a recovered birthdayboy+friends and a llama. the whole world seems to be at holland v.

excluding the fever, a good day. murrr.

on other notes, bush's finally turning internationalist . maybe a case of too little, too late, but at least it's started.

we have a POND. Ü

and two koi

because i don't want to do any damn psc essay because they're so damn annoying and i dislike it intensely.

so dxo was surprisingly good - the music was r&b and the company was fun :D although birthday boy passed out because of all the liquor poured into him, and skullboy was totally totally smashed and hence pervy, though the nice boys took care of that. and there was the table occupation. else all fun :D so many familiar faces.

and i discovered the value of dancing with elbows ^^ if guys get too close to you hur.

anyways.

today as i was barely listening to the sermon and the homily (which was rather amusing, at least the bits i caught where father o'neill slyly chided the sleeping), i thought: the ancients had it good. there was no room for doubt - when god spoke, it was with the works. fire and brimstone. how easy to believe.

and then after that, when there was the mass mumbled generic prayers for souls, father o''neill dropped a bombshell on me.

"let us pray for the soul of slobodan milosevic, who died last night."

milosevic is dead. it's almost the passing of an era. the old guard is dying out, the faces to the horrors perpetrated against humanity (such a faceless term to our collective soul and mind of society) and instead we look to terms and shroud ourselves/ourselfs in words to try to identify a blank threat that we've written a blank cheque for.

where are we going?

let us pray.

mood of the moment - wondering pensively
music of the monment - goo goo dolls - acoustic #3. and u2 - stuck in a moment

well since sarah tagged me, here goes:
1. i'm written into a book. well, not intentionally at least, but i'll leave you to find out which book.
2. apparently i'm slimmer when i don't exercise. so that means my fat thighs are because of muscle mass, dad!! >.<
3. in explanation of 2., my dad will periodically come up with comments like "your thighs are fat" out of the blue. i love you dad >.<
4. if i don't sleep enough, my nose starts running.
5. my past seems to be composed of closed doors. or at least jammed ones. i can't seem to come up with any interesting snippets of my past on demand. so this is the last thingy you're gonna get.

i'm not gonna tag anyone, because that would mean they have to go through this torture :P

well, dp world is now "selling off its leases to a us entity", "primarily to salvage the UAE's relations with the US" [quotes courtesy of bloomberg and other wonderful news people].

..well done mister congress. your partisan fears have chased away potential cooperation with the middle east and [since you're so economically-founded-and-grounded] possible economic tie-ups in the future. all for nothing, really, because your port security will remain in your hands, and you don't seem to realise that dp world simply has no interest in blowing up a port that it manages.

those of us out of america just shake our heads in befuddlement. i suppose the amount of paranoia is understandable considering what america's been through, but if you count dubai as one of your allies in the "war against terror", and then you turn around and say "you can't be trusted with our ports!", what does that tell them? sure, they were nice enough to back off on the deal, but you can bet this isn't doing your image any good down the middle east. general john abizaid is right. this really does come down to "unneccessary arab- and muslim-bashing". are you so myopic to be unable to see that the muslim world isn't monolithic? that there are moderates within the extremists?

arg.

anyways. interestingly enough, we're mentioned in the same vein as myanmmar, "arguably the most repressive regime in the world". ain't that nice.

so the last of the hamsters has snuffed it. >.<

fraility.

i'm tired i'm tired i'm probably most definately pms-y because i'm so irrational and emotional and annoyed. i can't possibly be physically tired because i slept till 10 today, but i am, and it's probably mental and emotional drain. i ache for no reason at all, i can't think straight, i couldn't even be diplomatically alert today, i couldn't ask the questions, i'm tired, i want a hug, i'm drained. i want to cry i just want a hug and a back rub what the HELL is going on. this is so ridiculous. *%#(ing hormones. where are you c'mere.

sarah will love this. hear her squeal.

on other notes, i just discovered IRAQ THE MODEL. very interesting insights. good stuff to chew on. does anyone know more about these guys?

this is why i don't understand the printed mind. it's why i can't understand why people would deliberately print the silly cartoons just to emphasise "freedom of speech". freedom of speech can go stuff it if you ain't got stability. freedom of speech, well, you have the freedom of speech to say "bite me" to a gun-toting murderous robber who's holding you up, but you don't. this is what we call self-preservation [you fools]. and they who print inflammatory remarks don't have this instinct because they're merely part of the mindless mob that rants and raves from the safety of orthodoxy, dogmatism and ossified tradition. there's no self to preserve; there's just the safety of the mob, the false stone walls that you put your faith in.
but stone walls crumble. and then, where will you be?

stupid stupid fools.

so i'm walking around j8 because i'm trying to exchange a defective top but that's not the point. the point is i see one of those coin-operated machines where you put in like 50 cents and the thingy starts moving and playing music. all well and good..i used to love playing on them even though i didn't always put in coins. was more fun anyways. you could imagine you were riding a motorbike, rather than a tacky yellow and pink horse >.<
but in this case, they put a monitor in front of the kids, so they play a road unwinding when you put in your coin, like some of those digital exercise bikes. which is a pity, because there goes imagination. instead of looking ahead of you and seeing curious shoppers and getting embarrassed, you look at your screen and lose out the world around you to the world in front of you in line-y pixels and bytes, tacky though it may be.
it's like ipods. the music of the 70s to 80s were public music. boom boxes blasted beats, speakers shouted songs and anthems were audible. now people sit at bus stops, on trains, in lifts like granite statues, silent and staring, listening to their own little private world of music. the only sharing we have for music is when someone blasts their music so loud it becomes hello-and-goodbye-mr-eardrum.
a pity.

i read this and actually felt physically sick. partly because this is absolutely inhuman. do you have no respect for the dead? is the coffin only temporary, a mere comma instead of a full stop? don't you feel nauseous, taking out a body for tendons and trauma? is the need for research and transplant so overwhelmingly great that you must desecrate the dead to sate your phoenical hunger? and what makes it worse is that you are depersonified. they probably saw it was alistair cooke. they probably didn't care. to them he was just a slip of paper. the alistair cooke. how could you do this to him? how could anyone reconcile that genial voice with someone who has been brutally and clinically sold as spare parts? you can't. there is just no way that someone who is immortalised in thousands of tapes and rambling but subtly pointed letters could be reduced to a victim of such depravity. there is just no possible way. but it has happened. how do you deal with it?

so today mom's got people over. and she roped us all in to help. which we promptly did, singing loudly. she called it "chronic". and so she was forced to bribe us to shuttup ("the things i do for peace and quiet"). so leon gets a new thumbdrive, and i get to go out. hur.

in any case, this is what i came up with after peeling godsknowhowmanychestnuts.

do your ears hang low?
do they wobble to and fro?
can you tie them in a knot?
can you tie them in a bow?
can you swing them over your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
do your ears hang low?

do your ears stand high?
do they stretch up to the sky?
can you signal far-off ships?
if you flap them will you fly?
if you're an armless defender
can you signal your surrender?
do your ears stand high?

do your ears stick out?
do they shiver when you shout?
can you carry twenty shirts?
can you skewer lazy trout?
can you semaphore your neighbour
to divide up garden labour?
do your ears stick out?


turkey in the straw...

hehehe class bbq was quite the..experience. thank you to all those who helped me get the stuff out and put them back...and for those who didn't come, >.< @ you. heh. oh well. twas fun and all's good :D

woah. so my grades aren't perfect, but they'll do. like the Os, i'd like to think they make me more human. i can't give you perfect scores, i may almost perpetually be the underdog, but i guess i'm fine with that. amplicity - ample time to do what i want, ample space to underachieve/slack..heh. see how that goes.

i think too much sometimes. my brain is so fried on occasion you're never gonna get anything more sane out of me than little ramblings and occluded mind's-eye-views.

but there are some things i KNOW, dammit.

tomorrow belongs to asia.

off from the economist, a prophecy that would probably mean many things to different people. for the US perhaps, and europe, that would be a prophecy of doom for quite a few. for asia, southeast and otherwise, it's a foregone conclusion. we're just waking up, we like to point out. we're just getting started. wait till you hear us roar.
and for some others all around the world, it's no surprise. the few demographically sustainable countries are almost all in asia. of these countries, those that have the most potential (obviously china and india) are in asia. investment that goes into these countries ALONE could power a no-kid-left-behind policy for the US and then some.
maybe that's why there's a boom in such cross-country mergers. you see big companies getting bigger, and government companies becoming privatised and you think, wow, progress yay :) i dunno.\\gosh i'm sleepy and i have work. will continue this train of thought later.

the 5 of us in the newsroom are absolutely unable to work. this is probably gonna persist for the rest of the week, especially when results come back. so. (#*%&(@#&%( i don't know what i'm gonna do when i find out i dont have to go up on stage...shit now i'm speculating [sounds like scapula, but only less funny]. thank you very much, my colleagues.

grrrrrr.

my dog snores. it goes "snark snork hnnnng". it sounds like dad does. which is one of the reasons i keep giggling.

dad's being dignified about it.

w00t 2 days. hahaha..
i'mgonnadiei'mgonnadiei'mgonnathrowUPandTHENi'mgonnadie.

caught in the act.
oh gods.

just visited the blog and saw this on the quotes:

"Instant idiot - just add alcohol."

hurhur how apt :P

in any case i've resolved the Issues, and it basically goes along the lines of f*** this i care not. i have what i want, and for those that matter they don't care. and those that care don't matter.

tired.murr.

heyyyyyy lyla...

fairly..disturbing events hath come to light, in a way. i guess now i'm kinda stuck trying to figure out what i'm portraying myself as, and its leaving a rather bad taste in my mouth. have i changed all that much since i went into ac? have i pandered to popular opinion so badly? i dont know. they [the ubiquitous they] say you shouldn't bother about what people think of you, but i'm sorry, i can't let that go. it matters to me. and even actions matter, because people keep taking things the wrong way. all the time, without fail. its like it's inborn in us to think the worst of the rest, and never the better or the best things you could think of.
thank you.
/end existential angst.

music of the moment - oasis - the importance of being idle
mood of the moment - disgusted/guilty/disturbed/inadequate

and yet and yet i can condone belarus. why? is there a particular reason why i can actively believe i should give one party a chance, while the other should be brought down by all means necessary?

perhaps it's because one is so entrenched in hopelessness that any chance is welcome, while the other never really got a chance at all to prove their mettle.

too tired and unfeeling to post much. shall move on to mundane things that orbit my brain.

got back late last night after having to port the windshield-shatterer into his room >.< i thought maybe my zoukout-alcohol-competition-win was due to me drinking less than the blur one, but last night proved otherwise. or maybe not. lets see...6 of us. 2 jugs of weak-ish long island tea. 2 more jugs of rather stronger long island tea. 1 vodkaredbull each. tried the cage, realised we were tooo sober ("i'm still registering things! more!" and "you're the hottest girl here but i'm sorry that's not a compliment. it's because the girls here are all fugly!") so back for tequila shots, found a jpflug who bought one more round (thankyou!) and back to dancing and watching the blur one's eyes roll up in his head. *mutter*

but fun all the same. and while waiting for the blur one to come back from the restroom (he didn't, he went out so i waited in vain) an italian guy tried to pick me up 0.0 thoroughly interesting :P

results are on ash wed, 2 pm. this damn wed.

holy mother cow.

we're having panic attacks in the newsroom. i'm breathinging in jacket.

i have never felt this scared in my life.

holy monkey cow.

i'm riled again. it's interesting, that people can become a statistic, that people can be blown up and yet i don't feel as thoroughly annoyed as i do when i find out some irreplaceable part of human history and culture is attacked. perhaps it's because masonry cannot fight back, perhaps it's because humans have been blown up for so long in iraq i have become inured to them. and this is a scary thought: that we have seen such violence for so long and in places so far away that the deaths of many doesn't move one because it doesn't strike home.

maybe this is why those in the united states are so..self-absorbed. they know huge, momentous things are going on in the world around them, but to them these are not huge nor momentous because it doesn't touch the little orbit of their lives physically or on some deepseated, close emotional level. so they trundle along their little ellipsoid, orbiting themselves, dismissing these explosives as "oh some disagreement over some cartoons" or "another suicide attack" without ever -knowing- what they mean, merely verbally purging what they heard on the television, mediated masses that they are.

but back to the point. i am upset that people see fit to strike at people through their beliefs, or symbols of their beliefs. i am just as unhappy over the double standards posed to the muslim world via the cartoons of their prophets while the denunciation of auschwitz is a crime [denouncing that is stupid by the way. are those gas chambers you see in there supposed to be showers?], as i am over the blowing up of the golden dome in iraq to destabilise the shi'ites. its such a puerile way of showing your defiance, like vandalism on a grander scale without the artistic value of graffiti. i'm angry in the way i'm angry over the theft of priceless artifacts from the tombs of dead kings - i'm angry over the loss of culture, the loss of a part of history, the diminishing of who you are and what you are through someone's culpable stupidity or greed and absolute cowardice at attacking people who cannot fight back. and with each life you take, with each monument you bring down, you're reducing yourself [though you can't see it, myopic zeal blinkering you like so many flies during australia's summer], you're losing your cultured mass[es] to the anarchic chaos of warped idealism.

and i am angry over the myopic view of your little, little mind, that you cannot see past the cycle of violence you so cheerfully buy into. and i pity you, that some of you -can- see past that, and yet are trapped because you can see no way out. turning the other cheek in this day and anger will get you killed instead of merely hit, because no one who should subscribes to that view, or if they did, it's long gone now, buried under layers of despairing cynicism and heartbreak, because that's the only way anyone can survive now.

-----------------------------------------------------------
my life is words, i know now. i depend on words, who flow and shape the world, my world, who weave into a tapestry that lulls me to sleep with its sussurating silence. so when i say those things to you, when i cry and breathe you in with every damn breath because it's never enough, tread softly, because you tread on my dreams

so on to more prosaic things, on to my little orbit of my life because i promised and some people monitor my blog >.< yes, i pulled a 14hour-er, and i pulled a 9-hourer last night as well. catching up on sleep on weekdays...what an impossibility! but nothing's impossible here mm? 'sides, when you're cheerfully nursing a fever at the workplace and falling asleep in front of your comp a la school-wise, sleep is good. murr.

and i thoroughly recommend "rumour has it" simply because shirley maclaine is absolutely hilarious. we nearly died during the movie, and she's just so deadpan about it while delivery absolutely saucy lines. like how she evicts jennifer aniston's fiance from the room after whacking him in the face with the door[i'm not gonna tell you how she does it. i'd spoil it for you]. we were giggling throughout dinner and ben&jerrys. hur.

yes, i know i used "we" in that description. don't practice journalism on me. no, i'm not gonna tell you because i'm feeling mischievous today. (and i keep thinking mischievous should be spelled mischievious because that looks more shneaky. like sneaky. with extra shneak.)

and my previous post was not so much anti-american as anti-absolute-stupidity-and-ridiculous-culpability. i'm not anti-anything except ridiculous lacks-in-judgementitis and blind-zealotry and evangelism. 'specially evangelism.

and i'm moving to neurovore.blogspot.com. starting next post. because discombobulating is fun, but neurovoring, especially creating other neurovores, is better.

Between the pedestals of night and morning,
Between red death and radiant desire,
With not one sound of triumph or warning,
Stands the great sentry on the bridge of fire,
O transient soul, thy thought with dreams adorning,
Cast down the laurel, and unstring the lyre:
The wheels of time are turning, turning, turning,
The slow stream channels deep and doth not tire.
Gods on their bridge above,
Whispering lies and love,
Shall mock your passage down the sunless river,
Which, rolling all it streams,
Shall take you, King of dreams
- Unthroned and unapproachable forever -
To where the kings who dreamed of old
Whiten in habitations monumental cold.

-James Elroy Flecker

i will greet you with poems, and put you to sleep with dreams. you will wake with butterfly kisses and haunting refrains in your eyes.

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
-- Harper's Index, October 1989

and the best thing is, that's just your brain! ^^

i slept for 14 hours yesterday. more on that later.

what angers me is that brazen headline announcing that the us and israel are making no effort to hide the fact that they are plotting the downfall of hamas. set aside the israel-palestine issue for the moment - what i have to say is not about who's right and left and running down the roadmap, but about who's trampling on the vintage of the grapes of due process and international law. and it's not hard to see who that is.

for the purposes of this argument, i don't care who blew up what and who killed who [sounds like the holy grail, monty python or otherwise], but its just that if you so happily encouraged democratic elections and yet hoped that the people you like come to power, doesn't that put you along the lines of somalia and congo and other rigged election states? if you say, yes, we support democracy, but you turn against the people who came to power by democratic means, aren't you turning back on your word? does your word mean nothing, your plaudits and pundits who laud your move into iraq and planting of the democratic shrub mere background noise against your own petty will?

evidently yes.

and the best thing is that you style yourself the "bastion of freedom and human rights". i just read this transcript of a bbc interview with mary robinson, the ex-un commissioner for human rights, and she notes that what the us does, the world will follow because they think that that's the new standard, or excuse themselves that way. but it's not. it's just that the us binds itself to international law, but these paper chains only hold when they suit the us. otherwise they are summarily disregarded, like in the case of guantanamo. the problem arises when others cheerfully ape these new "standards" and point to the us saying "but the standards have changed". they haven't. and neither has the us. they have never learned that while you may be above the law in terms of no-one-can-force-you-to-do-anything, you aren't above the common law, the law of the people, the law of the street, the land of public opinion. and, usa, you've condemned yourself there. you aren't the knight in shining armour, you aren't an inspiration to cast off the chains of dictatorial oppression, and you sure as hell aren't making any friends. your duplicity is the fodder for dictators, your plotting the fuel for frenzy, and you've given yourself the slack to hang from the scaffold of troubles you have aggravated.

why can't you wait? sinn fein managed peace in ireland, after the democratic process that ran its course. why can't you wait? when it's entirely possible they could discredit themselves. yes, you want them to discredit themselves, but your haste to help them will trip you. they can blame it on you, and they will. and it's back to square one, back to the drawing board, back home to die.

so this is your legacy. "you will have democracy, but democracy on my terms." and that is no democracy at all.

we're building spaceports. we're building spaceports. i can't believe it.

and all you disgruntled people who whine about cross-compatibility, you win. i have to do it anyways so i can see it from work >P be gruntled.

things to do today: click on your archive links, and read a few of your old posts. quite fascinating.

and OOH OOH CHECK OUT FOR2008!!! ON TEHCLASSBLOG!!!

..take me down to the paradise city
where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
oh, won't you please take me home..

music of the moment - guns n roses - paradise city. the guitar.
mood of the moment - phwaorexhausted. MRAOWR.

well since i've managed to get the damn thing up and running (and bugger off if you're complaining that it's not cross-browser-compatible. i'll drown you in wood shavings until you have a hernia.) i should probably post something.

how about: i haven't seen my family for dinner for nearly this whole week. work et al. hazardous pursuits...and tiring too. how about: i stayed up till 3.45am on sunday getting this right? and woke up 4 hours later to go play at church! w00t! ohshitimgonnadie.

valentines day was thoroughly amusing/nauseating. if you look at the escalator to the esplanade, you see people walking off the escalator in twos. and if you go onto the rooftop or walk down by the esplanade near the water, you can't move for couples. at least, there's 1 pair at every metre of wall. bleargh.

and yes, i went to mos, and yes i got thoroughly sloshed. in my defence, it was tzesiew's jug of "negotiated" long island tea that did me in. 2 people sharing a jug of extremely strong long island tea is impossible. never again. i never never want to lose control again. not something i'm proud of. so now you know.

incidentally while i was coding the damn thing, this quote came up:

'The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.'
-- P. G. Wodehouse

considering cheny's adventures with potshots, this is thoroughly apt.

murrrrrrr.

oh nevermind solving these problems is supremely satisfying hur

btw if anyone can fix the overflow problem i'd be really really grateful

cessante ratione legis cessat ipsa lex

sunday morning rain is falling
steal some covers share some skin
clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
you twist to fit the mold that I am in..

its jazzy. great chords. probably the best maroon 5 song. our song, mm?

music of the moment - maroon 5 - sunday moment morning
mood of the moment - mm content.

i went through my old stuff, and gods i didn't know i could write like this. it's like when you go through your gp essays after the exam and go, i wrote this?

in a good or bad way.

btw. stuff to know:
gelem - "raw material", in hebrew, the surmised root word of golem.
zeroth - the absolute first, ultimate
myelin sheaths are the fatty insulation around the nerves and neurones, that facilitate the transmission of impulses along the nerves


somatic markers
your generation is fed
on birth control, rock and roll
and bytes of a bygone era
when gripping trees was the only exercise we had for our
fingers, that now grasp canes and tremble
helplessly, in the face of the internet.

you say you know of iraq, and reel
off statutes, figures and names on your
fingers that wave so confidently with your
arrogance (it seems almost blinding,
your transition from gelem to golem that
i bet you can't see the gleam
you have become of a machine)
it's in your eyes.

i bet you can't feel when the images
flicker past you like so many pictures
you see in the papers (but you always turn to the funnies
don't you?)
carnage flickers past quickly, filed into storage, ready for
recall, but really, they mean nothing to one accustomed in thinking
in ones and zeroeths. (the computer thinks not of its files, it just
is).
emotions, hah! an anachronism
in the 30th century! and the world today is
fastfastfast, we want speedspeed, more t1, t2, t3
gigabytes of information pouring down thy eyes -
from truth to death,
you know everything, and yet you know nothing.

you know not of the rain on your face, or the joy it is to
run free, or the power that a tree's crown can give you.
your sunlight only falls on your face, only your mind runs
free[d] in your mind on the information superhighway,
and your thicket-thorn of viruses stops all traffic.
progress is a good thing, we shall not miss the old,
you say, with quiet confidence
and who are we to argue with the future?
your jungle is concretized, your seabed electrified
we are interconnected
and that is good.

you will not miss us, we are the misshapen clay.
creators shall go back to the shadows, you are the next
step in a world that cloned dolly,
you myelinated sheaths overrule our emotional heartbeat,
cogitational machinery rules the world.
we are your fastfast-frankenstein, your stitched-together zombie
we are what you made us,
and we will rule the world we built,
plugged-in, spell-bound,
and numb.


music of the moment - gavin degraw - chariot
mood of the moment - mildly pensive. mm. it's the musick

having been told my blog is actually monitored (and i do mean Monitored), i hence feel some sort of residual guilt and a small nagging feeling that i probably should update more often. i believe it's called a conscience. or that horrible thing called responsibility-to-the-reader.

nice to know i'm providing entertainment for you guys *waves*

mmmm...chinesenewyear. not too bad. except for the bit where i either dropped my cash+angpao which was in my back pocket or it got stolen *sigh* so. must be philosophical/stoic about it. hooray.

watched memoirs of a geisha too. they really should have done it in jap. and the best actresses were gong li and michelle yeoh. zhang ziyi was, um, well, very "saltysoup"-ish. really. "that-would-be-like-letting-the-tiger-out-of-its-cage". read it as stiltedly as you like.

nyum. i keep seeing cats when i'm out. i think it means something. *grin*
and don't practice journalism on me please. my words are not meant to be dissected for information on whether or not i have a social life/significant other (the answer to both, by the way, is no. surprising as that may be hurhur). the reason i say this is because it's bad enough i have to live it 9 hours out of every 24, without having to endure it from all of you :P yes, you with th' rss feed and the one with the bluenude. this means you. hur.

music of the moment - u2 - the sweetest thing
mood of the moment - oog. i think pineapple tarts should not be glazed with egg white. they turn out crunchy, and stomachs upside down.

that's a zeugma by the way. check it out. this is your enlightenment-thingy of the day.

it is five to bloodyfucking twelve. i'm going now.

guess what! i'm in office! again! and it's ffreezing. where the extra f is used as in "fugly". fingers are gone. am typing with sticks that might shatter any moment now. went to golden mile to interview people who are going up to malaysia for chinese new year. all i can say is, sucks to be you! the checkpoint will be hell for the next few days. hur. but thank gods this day is over. been so scatterbrained and i realise multitasking is REALLY not all it's cracked up to be. and it's late, late, late. think i'll leave by 11 i guess :( oh well.

meeeeep.

i am in the office again, and feeling absolutely bored. then again, this is the rincewind kind of boredom: long periods of doing nothing followed by short periods of "OHSHIT" and having to stay back. dont really want to. they havent refunded me yet. and i spent close to 50 bucks in 2 days on cab fares dammit. chasing stories. very tiring. gahahhahaahahagh.

turn up with a box of chocolates, why dont you.

it is 9.30 pm and i'm still in the bloody newsroom :| its ok la, its not bad. but i'm just supposed to be home helping out :| we [heart] kidneys and kidneypatients that get home late.

i wonder. are the songs of today the poetry of our generation? do we see in dishwalla what they saw in frost?

i dont know. but what i do know is that i spent last night reading a large book of classic poems, the kind that you wish you could memorise because they sound so nice to read aloud. and they're like music in prose, dripping with meter and pentemeter and rhythm. you have waltzes, and marches, and even blues and jazz.

and somehow, somehow, i think frost will last longer than franz ferdinand.

people who make pineapple tarts
HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

they're really time consuming. and i think we overboiled the jam and if you stick a wooden spoon into it it stays in that position and the there's more jam than pastry and it's bloody sweet and i think i got diabetes and there's cloves EVERYWHERE.

but i like cloves :D

i should probably write about the few days now. just got back from thailand, and if ever there was a lifechanging experience, this would be one of them. dont just talk about eye opener...it's a mind opener. it makes you think, makes you feel, and understand.

but dont fly finnair. its just scary. we sat on the same plane there and back, and its a lockheed tristar. (lockheed tristars were supposed to be phased out already. we only learned this when we got back home.) so anyway. we took off from singapore, and were happily climbing until we suddenly levelled off. this wouldn't be so bad if it weren't at 5000-8000 feet. and then you hear some noise stop. which is not a good thing. even when we were comng from bangkok midway through the flight something cut out, and you -don't- want something to cut out when you're above the damn ocean because you lose altitude. we even flew over indonesia, although that was apparently because the stack is so huge so that's ok. i think. but never again. i've never been so worried about the plane landing than then. really a case of terra firma: the firmer the ground, the less the terror.

but anyways. thailand was a really good trip. first off the bat, we went to the immigration detention centre (idc). and if you've never been to one, well. i dont know, but it really makes you wonder. the cells are big, but not spacious, and on a good day there's only 500-odd people in the centre, about 20ish to a room. on a bad day the rooms can fill to 80-100. people are there because of persecution, they can't go back because they come from places as far away as congo and somalia, from china, from germany france and even singapore. some can't leave because the embassy can't help them, some stay there because there's no place to go, some stay because their families are in thailand, just that they're in a no man's land of quiet toleration and deadening hope. some have been in there for 10 years. and it was a hundred times worse then than what we saw. the jrs has been improving things bit by bit, so that noone feels threatened, everyone feels like they come out on top, and things are better overall. and the worst part? they're 26, they're 22, there are kids in there who dont know a life without bars. and you think and you realise, that could be me. but by grace of birth, that could have been me.

then we went to the urban refugee programme, and the child daycare centre. do you know there are refugees in the cities from the city itself? they hide in the crowd because they can't go back. the life in thailand is better than what they have back home in laos, burma, cambodia...if they get caught, they get sent to the idc. once in a while the idc will hire a bus, and drop off the refugees from neighbouring countries at the border. and because they have no choice, they will turn around and come straight back in. so when the jrs is helping refugees in the city, they're actually breaking thai law. so. who would you help? which would you break? the law? their spirit?
and the child at the daycare centre, mat. he gropes people. like, the girls had to stay out of his reach, because he lunges at you. the guys got drop kicked in sensitive areas. if he was older, he'd get prosecuted. but that's what worries us. he probably doesn't know its not normal. what really worries us is if he's learning by example.

and then we met the burmese students. they're in thailand, because they're on a scholarship from their diocese in burma. naturally, they have to go back to burma to serve out their bond. the thing is, unlike singaporeans, they want to. unlike singaporeans, they have something to go back for, and they go back for the people. they dont go to university to better themselves just to earn more money, they go there to better themselves to serve the community. and we didnt know just how dire the situation was in burma. i mean, you know there's a junta there that represses the people, but you just dont know how bad until you hear it first hand. you cant send clothes in to the poor, because the junta will confiscate it, and replace it with clothes of poorer quality. as if that's not bad enough, they'll sell the clothes and take the profits. you can't use a phone because there's no network, and there's a us$300 license to be obtained first. there's no electricity, except for 2 days a week, and even that's intermittent. and their dreams aren't big. their dreams are along the lines of "i want to go back and help improve their electricity supply" and "i want to go back and help them realise the value of education". and this really is the way to improve their life; not by forcing democracy on them, but through increments like the jrs does. read fukuyama's posthuman world today, and i found this quite apt meme: that repressive dictatorships and bad governments require a monopolisation of information to remain in power. in china they can't, because people are more educated and it's so big they can't hid the internet and phones from them forever. in burma, because people dont understand the value of education, they can and do. so this is the slow, but steady way to freedom. people actually dont care what government they're under, as long as they're free to do what they want, i.e. get on with their lives. usa, are you listening?

there's so much more. so so much more to do.

***********************

started work already. kena saboed already. wth. should be interesting laaa....need office clothes. no jeans allowed pleh. GOTTA WAKE UP AT SIX FRIGGIN THIRTY TO RUN gods.

leon's tie is bloody fugly. what was acsi thinking? screw the saving money on branded goods, there are some things people should never have to see.

mm nearly forgot. some prom photos you wanna see are on the madhouse link have fun :D

i suppose i should write about perth. the land of freezing and burning, where you can cycle forever [or at least until your fingers numb up with the thrill of speeding on endless paths without crazy buses next to you], where the place is quiet and scenic and comfy and poky. or rather, i should be writing application essays - my life is filled up with noise and sound until i leave for thailand to make peace with my inner guilt, to talk with an expanded group of conscience, to be a secular haven in a self-inflicted and percieved world of un-secularism. [i have no faith, i'm afraid, i lost it long ago.] its a pensive night, brought on by frozen liquor and crosswine and bakerzinlogcake, and i will ramble till my lips crack from the vinegar that pours from the uvula, the thing that hangs from the back of your mouth, looks like an organic stalactite and sounds vulgar. my brain drizzeleth from my throat, acrid and looking like a punkcomicpicture of a strangled duck [i dont know either, just thought it sounded right].
but still. tonight i mourn the world. as appointed, like before.
i will sit, and listen to the noise in my head and come to terms. i'll choke on my catharsis, curl up in a ball, perhaps wake up tomorrow to gently, gently take the mask take the mask floating just above my face and press it on, imprinted, absorbed, and implode.i cannot compete. i cannot force my way in if you threw away the key. green is the colour, bilious and scouring.
and then i'll think about it, savour it, and stick it in the secretive places, the proverbial back of my closet, to be taken out at 2 am when the world blinds[ides] [it to] you and you dont want to think and the world is done its mourning for the day and all that is left is the sardonic, resigned remnant of time as it cheshired away

ugh. deferred.

prom was..amusing. quite so. heh. although bing was right: its kinda like a zoo. pictures all over. but a zoo of memories, i guess. too really tired to post much...pleh. so much for a haven of memories.

on a side note, i wonder if forgiveness is really a self-preservation tactic. i mean, people forgive because it's the Done Thing, but really if it's someone you know, as in KNOW, then i wonder. do you forgive because you cannot imagine that person with that sin on their sheet? that blemish on the facet they present to you? so you scab it over, because you can't really function normally with the ghost of that incident in the way, but you know its there, and they know you know its there, and you know they know its there...and...yeah. existential fun.

hurhur just watched a movie of my mom when she was small. twas run on one of those really old camera things, that have the wheels and the strip of film and constantly rattles...wow. just amazing, it works after 20 years :\ and watching parents when they were small is always hilarious :D

well i guess i'm back hah. lotsa things happening, some good, some bad, some bittersweet, but it's all fine i guess. BLOODY A LEVELS HAD BETTER END NOW. well, i wish. still two more to go, i guess i'm resigned to whatever i get now...though having jimmy gets high stuck in my head the whole time during chem paper 1 can't be good...hah well. dunno what to do with myself after the As. think i'll redesign this. no worries, i'll keep the hugeass tagboard.

on a slightly political note, i laugh at bush's attempt to get into asia, too late, too late. tis the rise of the little chinese men - monty python took the right idea. and heh the review on france was an interesting thing: i figured france's method of dealing with racial integration was kinda like the nyt article on community - it dealt with issues by not calling them issues. swept it under the carpet, in a way, and now it's coming back to bite them on the ass :\ oh well.

AHHH GETTITOVERGETOVERIT.

mm.

wow last day of school. didn't think i'd actually be sorry to see the last of school, but it's actually quite sad to know we wont be seeing each other as often anymore. heh. well, the farewells were said, the teachers thrown and taupoked and we ended up in sentosa, where i ended up playing 3 hours of soccer. i think i probably should work on actual playing instead of ramming into people and freaking them out. have bruises on shin, cut on foot and sprained finger. bleah. and now i'm really tired. been tired since i stopped playing. i'm in the state of mind where i think straight, but there's a short circuit between my brain and my mouth, so i say things either incoherently or inadverdantly. oops.

aaah tootired. thanks all :D should've hung out with you guys more. sorry :(

regrets...

music of the moment - creed - six feet from the edgeone last breath

mm. che funky

omgomgogmgomg so saaaad. school's ending, just when it was getting fun. ALWAYS like that. anyways. fun stuff include pizza after school courtesy of mr rama. and then, for that, we had to post the sat registration stuff up for him. then there was biking around namly/leedon area today under a fantastic blue sky and i was HAPPY :D

yeah, don't take much to make me happy.

mood of the moment - happy/content
music of the moment - danko jones - cadillac
coldplay - everything's not lost

when i counted up my demons
saw there was one for everyday
with the good ones on my shoulder
i drove the other ones away..

ahhh i gotta get into the groooove...studying that is. i'm getting there i think..it seems like studying is easier after exercise, like soccer :P soccer is...amusing. especially when you end up with a 3 meter radius around you coz the guys dont dare tackle you. pleh. unfunness.

on a side note, i hate hate HATE corrupted files. my complete sandman is CORRUPTED. and the one i have now is INCOMPLETE. like, crap.

on -another- side note, i'll never look at physics in the same way again. the sort of crap we start talking about is so blatantly euphemistic you can't repeat it in normal conversation. well, relatively sedate and normal conversation. omg, i can never regard shm in the same way again.

music of the moment - guns 'n' roses - paradise city

i am a freudian dreambot godot.

i am godot.

flitterthoughts:
- the primality(primalness?) of rock is my salvation since i cant find it where i want it. i get an almost feral grin when i hear the distortion, and i can forget what i want to forget, at least for the 4 minutes and 8 seconds that give me wings
- wings. things that i dream about along with other people, the cast that includes so many others. do dreams expose things i understand subconsciously? it would make a lot of things fall into place, and explain many more.
- omgomgimgonnafailalevelsahmorespecificallysphysicsbecauseimtotallyscrewedinmybasicbasicphysicsOHTHEIRONYOFITALL

eee. i need a hug. i need the comfort. :(

panicpanicpanichmmmmmmmm

hurhur whatev.

oh. ROFLCOPTER!!!!!1 hahahahahahhah..

i've been wandering around for a day with one blocked nostril. periodically it will taste the air of freedom and i will be happy, then it will maliciously revert. trying to blow it clear makes me feel like air pressure is building up in my the right side of my cranium, makes air come out my tear duct, and doesn't work.

crap i think i need my vitamin c.

hoho me dad brings out the gin&tonic and follows it up with a campari soda and lets us try more liquors. he probably needed pain deadners from the run :P

i didnt realise just how much liquor we had. its quite a few bottles, and there's definately more stashed away somewhere.

kahluamilk makes me HAPPY.

y'know all those lyrics i post doesnt do justice to what i feel when the music plays. can't be captured.

but i am HAPPY.

hell yeah. little things are good for the soul.

this makes me HAPPY :D if help is needed in installing *hemhem* just drop a line or something.

you make me feel like i can fly
so high

elevation

...but now that your lips are burrning mine
i'm beginning to see the light...

hell yeah.

you muddied the waters with your
deferences and determinations,
paradigms and parameters,
[all unstated of course, how could you
say it to my face]

but i am complicit, i suppose in not
telling you my side of the picture
[it is cold, dark and impersonal on this
other side of the portrait. you know how eye[s]
follow you around the room like a
broken chain
tracing your face, your
features are imprinted, indelible like
india ink.]

how can scribbles on paper, little
phrases telling us what we should know have so much
IMPACT
[the thud of bodies
hitting the ground, clutching feebly at
straws and stares of the
ex[am]cutioners]
on every one of us.

set me free, please
i want to
fly
soar

but
icarus-winged i am, desperate for your
attention and self-destructive in my
attempt.

--------------
it's back! it's back! my muse! omg!

SQUEEEEE!!!

you have NO idea how bereft i've been.


music of the moment - jars of clay - worlds apart
mood of the moment - sadly elated

i'm normally secular, almost atheistically so. but i think today's worship was effective. like we figured out in iggy's choir, we're there to lead, not perform, and many of those people who try to lead worship can't get the people to sing. but ben, jonk, daniel and yangshen did a great job. never heard so many people singing.
if only we didnt have a homily after that...

but i'm getting faith. dunno about in god, but i'm getting it back slowly in myself. long, slow process, but its there. and it makes me want to cry at the wonder of it all.


...she breathes the air and flies away...

...[the people] stare into nowhere,
and can't feel the chains
on their souls...


i want to fall in love with
you

PASTAFARIANISM!!!

i'd join it if only to be able to call myself pastafarian.

the rach3 helped. a bit.

i have all these hokkien words running through my head that shouldnt be said out loud. and our favourite four letter word. just freaked out my brother by suddenly screaming at the highest possible pitch (which is comparable to sarah's, and vastly louder). how the hell did i degenerate????

the whole class was laughing in shock and horror. i mean, what the hell. its not like we're all stupid. what's going on? heh it could be the sb2 curse, but fuck that, i'm not gonna let it dictate me.

omgomgomgmogomgimgonnaDIE. fuck i've never been this unprepared in my life.

yeah, i'm cool, i'm calm, and i cant punch things because of piano. FUCK.

for you i'd bleed myself dry,
for you i'd bleed myself dry.

you know, we're not apathetic. that's just an euphemism, a cheap and convenient excuse condoned by the government to explain the determination not to care. but it's not determination. it can stem from utter despair, the sinking pit in your stomach that tells you that nothing's going to change, that rockbed of certainty that will be there today, tomorrow and forever. it can stem from hopelessness, or tiredness. but we dont have these worries, priviliged singaporeans that we are. we dont need to care about this kinda thing. so they say. we're just as trapped, in a way. trapped by the trappings of society, the wealth and the rat race, the carrot and the stick, and we don't care because we dont need to work. we've got it made. we're the lazy, the tired, and we can't be bothered to care because it takes up too much energy.

stercus accidit. REALLY. i dont know, but i had so much riding on the prelims, and wow. screwed up, big time. its not just the grades, its the finding out that i let people down. that can be unbearable. and my second and third thoughts are telling me that i'm blowing this out of perspective. i hate being rational. and again, i sometimes hate being passionate.
being passionate's a mug's game. keeps you awake :\
damn, i can't please everyone.

stercus.

aaaahhhhh gettoutoffitgettoutoffitgettoutttofffittttt.


and now, i look back at this (only 2 minutes later) and i LAAAAUGH.
stercus stercus stercus moriturus sum.

rach3intermezzoadagio, more than rach2 today.

hurhur this during computing class :D i foresee distractions galore

hurhur if you type in "failure" on google, guess what's the first entry that comes up.

and on side notes:
the ultimate in convenience
cute :D

i noticed as i was walking towards bus stops (my entire morning until now has been plagued with bus stops) that many people were toting umbrellas. well, the sun is scorching, and i suppose i'm a walking promotion of that particular point of wisdom. a lack of sunblock can do wonders for your complexion and a marked increase in pain. i can't even scrunch my nose without wincing. come to that i can't even shrug without going "ow" thanks to wakeboarding (and carrying my bag around for the whole damn morning while trudging towards bus stops). but wakeboarding was fun (and expensive -.-). it's a lot like snowboarding except saltier, less painful (thanks to water) and more risky. risky in the sense of jellyfish. its really hard to get chewed up by propellers when the tow line is at least 5 meters out. in any case, daniel got stung by a jellyfish. i dont know whether the pain from the jellyfish sting[s] is worse or the humiliation of the treatment. daniel assures me that they are comparable. in any case, he didn't go into the water again.

lesson learnt from wakeboarding: do not laugh while drinking gin and 7up. you will die.

moving on to other lessons learnt, i found out that you may THINK you forgot something, but in reality you haven't. like when i tried to play my old piano pieces (because scholarship people dont trust your credentials and insist on hearing you on cd. i should just get someone else to play for me and send it to them.) amazingly, i can remember how to play them (more or less). why do i bring this up? because when you think you forget something, it only takes a trigger to bring things to the surface. like the god of small things. (good book, by the way, i recommend it.) have you ever seriously seriously cried? like a snake has constricted itself around your throat and your chest and is spasming? and it has gone down your nose and you can't breathe at all and you can only gasp but you can only do one thing at a time and that is either gasp or cry and you can't stop crying? its like the world has diminished into your head and is throbbing to get out and you lose track of your surroundings and time and all you wish is for it to be over, over, over.

yeah.

on the station platform rahel doubled over and screamed and screamed

so i'm back after a month long hiatus, and i'm nursing a whole lotta new things. like a sunburn for instance. went wakeboarding at punggol (far out, WAY out) and owwwww. all over. i'm already feeling achey.

and i was gonna post more things on how fingers never really forget and stuff but that has to wait a bit because mom's chasing me to bed. bleah. it's the holidays!!

shall ask her about zouk. again. hoo hoo. mom flippy.